My heart is broken again and I haven’t stopped crying for two weeks. We said goodbye the Saturday before last, when he was still conscious and could still splash that charm all over the hospital room. His dark brazen eyes gave me a wink and a side smile lit up his face as I kissed him on the head. My husband, his friend of over thirty years, held his hand with a smile but underneath was deep anguish.
His dying wish was that his closest friends came to see him, immediately. He had only found out the day before that the cancer was inoperable and there was nothing more they could do. Filing into the hospital room with some of our other friends was bizarre yet beautiful. He held out his arms to hug each of us. We spent a couple hours chatting and reminiscing about old times, parties that were had and bike rides across Europe. I’ve never seen so many burly bikers with tears in their eyes and hearts on their sleeves.
A couple of months beforehand, at my mother-in-law’s funeral, he and I spoke at length about life and what was going on in our heads and hearts. We shared some things about our pasts that we hadn’t known before and the struggle it’s brought us. We talked about the love we have for our children and our special dogs that have passed on and how time goes by too fast. He was always there when it mattered. Always.
When it came time to say goodbye, that last hug nearly ended me. He whispered in my ear that he loved me and I in his. I fixed his pillows and gave him a last kiss and watched him watch us leave his hospital room. Oh my god the pain!
I don’t have many friends in this world, but he was one of them. The loss I feel today is unbearable and writing this is a necessity so I won’t lose it completely. On Friday, we will lay him to rest after his last ride with his bike club. It will be an honor to have loved and been loved by such a deeply beautiful person.
Ride free my buddy xx
