I just achieved a recovery milestone. I kind of feel like I am “aging out” of relatability. I have been around for so long that nothing should go wrong, I have amassed a trunk load of tools, I have practiced the principles for a while and, face it, I’m old! What could possibly be going on for me? I don’t’ have a lot of problems that younger women, newcomers, people in the middle of their life have. Or do I?
I do have a life that I would never have imagined for myself. I have a calling / a career that is meaningful to me. I have a family who loves me – yes, I take that in – they love me. I am in good health and I have a comfortable and cute home. So why would the dark dog of depression ever visit? I don’t know. It just does.
I try to reach out. After the smiles and “how are you’s”, I assess if it is the time, person or place to ask for a real response. If I have waited too long, the outer mask is too firmly in place and I cannot reach out. Or perhaps their story pours forth first and I find myself in a position of being support rather than supported (their pain is always measured by me to be greater than my own.) This is all on my side of the street. I know the nicest people and they would be there for me if only I knew how to ask.
If I have been walking around with the facade for too long I no longer know how to reach out. I am overwhelmed with numbness, with a sense of….it wouldn’t help anyway. I have quit most of my self-care practices and have sunk into daily TV watching in between all of my other activities. Then I cancel activities and sink into more enervation. Sometimes even books don’t distract me, sometimes all I can do is eat toast and move slowly from room to room unable to focus on or appreciate anything.
Sometimes I feel like I am that kid in the back of the room – wanting the teacher’s attention: waving and waving. Or the friend you don’t see across the street, that dear heart who has spotted you, but the sun in your eyes or you without your glasses see nothing, as they wave and wave. My pain is there….waving and waving. And it isn’t for attention but because I am desperately seeking help.
I look sturdy to others, my smile blinks on and I motor around when I am at my appointments and classes. I don’t complain much. I don’t’ know how to explain that even with the marvelous life I have, I have lost my spark, my desire, my appreciation. Old words come back to me, things I have heard in my youth, things hammered into my skull in past abusive relationships, words that I have then taken on to repeat to myself as the background music of my days. I desperately need some tool to slip a gear, hop a sprocket, get out of the groove of criticism and flagellation.
The good news is that it passes for me. I do have tools and I have reminders all around. I have luckily never fallen so far that I didn’t attend a meeting at some point during the week, I haven’t cancelled all my classes or appointments, that I have isolated for more than a few days. So little by slow, the clouds part and I start doing healthy things, eating a few more servings of live foods, and, in fact, begin to forget how bad it has been. I also have my therapist’s phone number still in my phone. I haven’t seen her in a while but I know she is there if I need her.
This is what my “knowing big girl” tells me: “depression coupled with addiction, or addiction as a response to depression is toxic, sad, and can be fatal. Reach out, get help, find help, be helpful, ask for help. Make it clear you are not waving.”
And one last thing: sharing. Sharing with another, even in a forum such as this, can help speed up the transition for toast and couch, to tea and conversation. I am learning that, no matter how sturdy I look, I am tender and deserve to be supported.
“I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.”
BY STEVIE SMITH 1902 – 1971
14 Comments
This speaks to me. What I am going through and do go through in my depressions. Thx for this.
I am glad you were able to identify – I don’t feel so alone. Be well
Thanks for sharing your “Learning Curve”, as a Recovering Alcoholic/Addict who was 8 years clean/sober when I was diagnosed with sever RA and Osteoarthritis, I had started my own LLC (after going through interferon treatment for “Hep-C” , that did cure my fear of that virus) I had been blessed to have the talent’s to remodel kitchen’s and bathrooms , from my hobby of building furniture while an offshore Inspector/Project Mgr.- Fast forward- my business had me many High End homes in gated communities and with “word of mouth from the “Fellowship”- I was getting out of debt, acquiring tools and equipment. I was attending 2 meetings a day, sponsoring many men and women (page by page through the book), When I drove down to our Family Ranch to inform my 75 yr.young Mom that I was no longer able to work (350 miles, 85 from the nearest town w/more than 300) Mom told me “I can’t stay here by myself another winter” – BEFORE- I was able to give her “my Bad News” (Mom had been snow blowing the 2 mile driveway- every-time it snowed), We agreed that I could move in and plow the driveway, keep maintenance up for her home , the ranch and I could continue to use the shop to build furniture. I was in Deep Depression, driving 85 miles to a meeting once a week(170 round trip, @ 10 mpg w/ my truck)- I had applied for disability 4 months prior, when I realized that I was slowly loosing my mind, I started immersing myself into “Prayer, Meditation and INVENTORY-Daily!”, I was almost completely broke , I prayed “I don’t mean this to be a selfish prayer, a lot of people are worried about my financial problem, show me what to do”- I received a letter from Social Security 3 days later, awarding me my disability, I met a man from a town 15 miles away, who asked me if we could start a meeting in the small town- We just celebrated 5 years ,Today, I build furniture that I take to my “City I Sobered up in” once a year, I share my “Experience, Strength giving Hope” w/ the “Newcomer” my Mom just turned 80, I drive once a month the 170 miles, as the Alt. DCM for our District, I write a “Gratitude List- in column form, next to the items, I write how I maintain these things- I still talk to a therapist when I drive the once a year trip , who is also in Recovery- That’s how I got through my Depression, still do today, I encourage anyone, seek the will of the Creator, Help Others and – INVENTORY, INVENTORY !!
Daniel – what an amazing re-FORMATION of your life, adapting to each changing situation with grace. It sounds smooth but I know it wasn’t. Thank you for being of service and for sharing your journey here. Be well
LOVED this! So nice to see from a old timers point of view knowing for certain that we have to keep going just as we did in the very beginning, and how strong this disease really is. It never dies, ever, and everyday we have to fight. I’m so glad you are here, thank you for sharing 🙂
Meagan- I am sometimes concerned about expressing the fact that the number of years doesn’t make everything sunny and bright. I don’t want to scare the newcomers. On the other hand – life is life – it is real and become clean and sober didn’t make me super human, it allowed me to be fully human. Thank you for your note.
As a “younger person” I am appreciative of your candidness and honesty. If anything, I think realizing that everyone is just taking it one day at a time is kind of.. freeing? “Life is life.” Yes, indeed.
I am so glad Nicola that you see it that way- because that is the truth of it. We are all “bozos on this bus” no one better, no one worse, nno one more or less worthy. It is kind of a relief.
be well
As an aging fellow on the path of recovery, I can really identify Kyczy. Thanks for putting my feelings down on your paper. It helps to know that I am not alone.
It does feel good to know I am not alone. Time often means nothing (when it doen’t mean everything!) It doen’t matter how much time I have, and other times the wonder of it fills me with such joy.
Thank you so much for the honesty. I learned from this, and will ask you how you are doing. It goes both ways… I feel that coming home…people (old timers) asking me how I am and needing to consciously ask them how they are are, stop talking, and listen to them. Equality of sorts. Balance, less hierarchy, in fellowship.
It IS a blaance – and the “greeting of “how are you?” “FIne” is one thing, and taking the time as you suggest at a more amenable time to say “How ARE you” when there is time to listen is a gift. And I have to remember to really TELL someone- that is my side of the street. Less hierarchy indeed. Be well
At times I felt this way before I was laid off. I used to pray for some sense of closeness or compassion for those who still suffer. In fact, I almost line by line wrote that same first paragraph 5 years ago. Since then I have seen therapists, kept in my recovery bible and prayer/listening and toolbox going. However, at times of deep stress I’ve been scare by nightmares where I’ve hung myself at my place of work for my co workers to find me the next day. I wake up when my boss has found me. Perhaps it’s because I didnt manage to earn the raise I need, and although I love my career and co workers I must find employment where I can earn a better income. I feel the dream is symbolic of hanging myself with taking a position I”m over qualified for and find daily frustration in the pay and complaining my peers do. I would not trade the abiligty to take an honest, sweeping moral inventory. the abiilty to look at my performance with true openess, humility, and sincere interest in doing the very best job I can, daily. Church, my family, our dogs, nutrition, proper sleep, and exercise play key roles. highest of all is God. God first. Perhaps the biggest reason I didnt entertain feelings of defeat, loss, self pity, and downward spiral of thinking. I hope this helps others out there know for sure things can get better.
TJ- I hope you do find a job that both enthuses and acknowledges your work. Thank you for sharing your tools as well. Those simple (but not easy) forms of self care you describe are critical to our health: body, mind and spirit.
Be well