my daily reflections…

i cannot say that i had any confusion as to who or what God was in the days of doin my dirt, i had been taught religion in my childhood. what i can say is that after the religious teachins learned at sunday school and other church functions, as i grew older, i developed a resentment toward God and turned my back upon Him. as this mornins readin suggests, i left behind any assurance as a believer in my late teenage years and early 20s. the resentment toward God i had was that if He truly loved me, how could He let the things happen to me that i had no control over at all as a child. as bewildered as i may have been i struck out to make my own way. and just as this mornins readin suggests, the confusion i struggled with throughout my life brought no solace unless found in material items or other people. as i struggled through life i could only find a happiness within that provided usefulness and effectiveness if only for a fleetin moment from anythin that brought momentary happiness. as time went on i withdrew from everyone and built walls within that didnt include any generosity to another other than myself. as the walls grew higher, any kind of humility, left me. i was the only one who could help me, and nobody deserved anythin from me unless i received somethin from them first. if what ev it was didnt benefit me in some kind of way, it wasnt for me. these ideas and thoughts only strengthened the spiritual malady i was developin.to think of gratitude for anythin received was beyond me, it was owed me by God for the shit He let happen. i could not live my life with any wholeness because of the feelins of inferiority i suffered as a child. i had to make an honest effort early in my recovery to come to terms with these emotions and gain an understandin that though the things that happened to me as a young un happened, God was still there, protectin me from even worse harm. today im willin to trade my ego, my spiritual malady, for emotional, psychological, and spiritual balance, acceptin His will over mine. ive discovered how His generosity is spiritually rewardin. and today i can see, how by Gods grace, He never turned His back on me. today i get to practice spiritual principles that take the troubles of my youth, and today, in stride, and turn them into demonstrations of faith that put my will in a place that exchanges confusion for solace and peace of mind. when i do this, i get to keep my mind clear of distractions that beg me to supplant my will over His. no longer am i to be the bewildered. when i accept whatever happens as Gods will for my life, my burdens are lighter and i get to live with clarity instead of confusion and peace instead of chaos. 1 day @ a time...