my daily reflections…

toward the end of doin my dirt i had finally driven myself into a state of reasonableness. i had tried everythin and every way to outthink the reasons why i had become what and who i was, i had no more answers. the feelin of desperation that brought me to the point of understandin that my will had become amazingly weakened when it came to combattin my alcoholism was a thought that began to scare the hell outta me. i found myself desperately wantin to stop but couldnt find a way to outthink the painful awareness of bein abnormal or what it meant to be an alcoholic. i had lost everythin in my life that i had worked so hard for, and damn near, myself. i had a desire to stop, but saw no way out, i had earnestly tried many avenues of escape and had failed at every attempt. comin into the rooms for the final time i made the declaration that i was either gonna do this shit called recovery, or i wasnt. listenin to those who had come before me tell their stories as i sat in lonely, isolated anger toward myself, i finally came to the realization that i was possibly one of them too. i became sold, after months of listenin, lookin at my own history, gainin an understandin that i was no different than those who i was sittin next to, and learnin what alcoholism was as i poured through the chapter of “more about alcoholism” with my sponsor, that i was an alcoholic. i began to surrender and accept that i wasnt different from those who were teachin me of themselves. i could begin to recognize the sort of thinkin that dominated my attempts, time after time, the desperate experiment of the first drink. as my sponsor and others told me of their experience, their strength, and their hope of what it had been like, what happened, and what it was like today for them, the concept of attraction rather than promotion was a feature that enticed me to try, and later continue, the path they laid out for me. many years later i have learned that gratitude for my alcoholism is an asset that helps me continue to move forward with liberty. spiritual and self-awareness have gifted me the concept of responsibly sayin and doin what i want, when i want, as long as i am not knowingly hurtin somebody else. i get to live the balance of lagom that goes way beyond emotional wellbein and interior design which provides me a balanced, moderately paced, low-fuss life. ive learned that the gratitude i have for my experience can be used as a tool, a form of perspective, remindin me to appreciate the simple things. ive learned to spot, admit, and correct my flaws daily and get to live the essence of character-buildin and good livin. with the honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessins received, and a willingness to try for better things today, the things those who came before me made so attractive, have become the permanent assets of spiritual awareness i seek, betterin my spiritual experience. 1 day @ a time...