My name's Michelle and I'm an addict. My clean date is just for today, but the last day I actually put a mood or mind altering substance in my body was April 16, 2019. I have been a member of Narcotics Anonymous since April 2010. I am what is referred to as a "chronic relapser". I've put together as many as 4 years in a row. made it to my 9th step and that's as far as I've got. I keep coming back because NA is the only thing that has ever kept me clean for any amount of time, and it's the only place where I've ever felt like I belonged. I truly adore NA and the women who have supported me and shown me unconditional love. However, when I would ask someone; my sponsor or another woman with significant clean time, "why do I keep relapsing? what am I doing wrong?" The answer was usually that I probably wasn't being thorough in my step work, I was holding back, I still had reservations, or just the old keep coming back. Now don't get me wrong, they were right I just didn't know it yet.
I've always worked steps with a sponsor, with the step-working guide. In my opinion, it's a very generic, scratch-the-surface, one-size-fits-all guide. I answered the questions to the best of my ability. When it became time to write about my resentments, I didn't think I had many. I didn't think being the child of alcoholic parents needed discussing. I thought I wasn't bothered by the fact that my biological father abandoned me when I was a toddler. I didn't mention being molested by one of my parent's friends at one of their parties. I mentioned being raped when I was 13 but didn't think it bothered me anymore, so we didn't have to discuss it. And I didn't mention being sexually assaulted by my "friends" at a party. I really thought these things were not an issue to me. I was holding back.
It wasn't until my last rehab that was known for it's trauma program that the miracle happened. This is my journey.
Author
mich9510