New Possibilities

Sometimes, I think it's okay to feel happy. Not just like artificial high produced, but regular had a meaningful exchange with another human being and am happy for it. Then comes the anxiety. It will pass, of course, when the next message from ANYONE arrives, but like that high, it is only for a fleeting time. What do I do with this? As I have learned, I turn to writing. And now I have something labelled blog! Anxiety passes for me not only with human connection online, but also in my home life. I just had a sit down supper with my sister and our parents and it wasn't terrible. In fact, there was some genuine laughter! I think blogs are supposed to have a point. This one doesn't. Or rather, the train always get's there, it's just a bit late sometimes, goes down the wrong tracks temporarily. I switch nervously between my phone and my re-visited addiction- online friends. Specifically Males. My history with men was fine until I my best friends Dad got me drunk at 14. No, he did not rape me, why does that make so many people feel better? I think that's what started my obsession with older men but don't worry, it's something I've finally figured out. I learned that I can be attracted to almost literally anyone, go ahead, put a label on it but I like it; this way it's my conscious choice. The learning took a lot of different medications and therapy and journaling. I went through a couple obsessions in the meantime, maybe this blog is about OCD. I was obsessed with people. I still struggle with obsessive thoughts and the worlds of absolutes, living not on a sliding scale but on a teetertotter that goes either one way or the other. It's a work in progress.