my daily reflections…

for years i blamed other people for the shit that happened to me. since childhood it was always someone elses fault. whether it was shit i had no possible control over or shit i did consciously, the results or outcomes were never a direct result of my actions. and if there were consequences to my actions or shit beyond my control, watch out! i didnt know back then that carryin all that shit only made me grow angrier, more hateful, and get this, more self-loathin. when i could bitch about what ev they did to me, it gave me the right to play the victim. and as i would always grouse about this or that, i only drove deeper the feelins that i wasnt worthy of the good around me. recovery showed me through honest personal inventory how all of that caused guilt. after things would happen and id have time to think about it as clearly as i could at the time, i would beat myself up, emotionally creatin deeper resentment toward others and myself. the only thing i could do was drink it away or when it all turned against me and i had to face another, try to lie my behavior away. fear would come from the possibility of bein found out, creatin even more guilt. ya ever said so much shit ya cant remember how to continue the story? as recovery began to set in and i started to remember even more of the shit i had done, i had to get honest with myself about all of it. and my sponsor said even if i didnt cause some of the shit that happened to me, because i had held resentment over it for so long, i was at fault for doin so. he said had i used God as i was taught as a child, i would have forgotten much of the guilt and shit i had no control over. facin all of this helped me to see the calm from the storm of my life, even though it didnt feel like it at the time. today i understand the growth ive gained because of the work of gettin over it in healthy, responsible, and mature ways. each day i get to learn to live by a code of ethics i do not always like but know is good for me and others. when i implement the spiritual principles of honesty, truth, openness, forgiveness, acceptance, humility, and hope into my new lifestyle they come quicker. as i continue to use em to overcome the blame train and the guilt it caused me, i get to form new relationships with others, both old and new, and myself. today my alcoholic mind doesnt have near the foothold it once did. will power and self-knowledge no longer help me form guilt or blame others in those strange mental blank spots anymore. 1 day @ a time...