my daily reflections…

as fearful as tellin my sponsor all my dirt may have seemed at the time, the threat of goin back out there to do it, loomed even greater. and still there was this idea within that if this thing we do didnt work as i heard it would in the rooms, the shit storm i had left was still just outside the door waitin for me to reenter the fight. havin learned all the shit about myself that i could doin my personal inventory, gainin an understandin of just how i had harmed those that loved me most, and facin the fact that lettin loose my dirt to another would possibly make me responsible for all of it, i didnt want to go face the shit show for another trip around the cyclone. so, meetin up with him that sunday at the mornin meetin and goin to his house to lay it all out there was what i had to do if i wanted to try to heal me. with the prior 4 steps, i didnt find it too hard to commit. they didnt seem to have the weight that tellin all my dirt to another did. this meant i may have to possibly face the scrutiny of another person findin out who i truly was within. that was scary! but i had to remember all those emotions and behaviors i had done while out there, and i had to remember the change i wanted to make so i could let it all go. my sponsor did none of the things i thought he would. he didnt judge me, he didnt try to control me, nor did he try to influence the situation, he just let me tell my inventory. as i spewed out all the anger, resentment, and despair, he sat there with an understandin that puzzled me at first, but later understood was unconditional love. he told me that he didnt have any answers for the things i told him, but if i continued with what recovery was teachin me, i would find them as i trudged along with his guidance. givin that tell helped me to grow humility and integrity. all the fear i had about doin it was all shit i had conjured up in my head, all that shit that never happened durin that tell. all it took for me was the willingness to stop holdin on so tight and have faith that my HP would do for me what i couldnt. what that experience showed me was that doin it was the easier softer way, it didnt turn out to be the boondoggle i had imagined it would turn in to. 1 day @ a time...