my daily reflections…

i couldnt live with myself anymore when i came into the rooms. everythin i had tried to do to change by my own efforts failed me. as i think back, i can feel that depression, it was so dark, i wanted it to stop so bad, but everythin i had tried didnt or wouldnt work. i could go on and on about how it felt with words, but they wouldnt come close to the emotions i felt within and stultify the meanin im tryin to convey. when i did my 4th and 5th steps, those feelins, still fresh within rose to the top. but the difference from before my recovery, and then was, i was tryin somethin i had never tried before. havin started to try to be real with myself with honesty, tryin to use the hope others were showin me that worked for them, and buildin a relationship with somethin greater than myself, i faced my deepest darkest fears and secrets, and then told them to somebody else. now was the time for me to live with it all, out there, out in the open, without alcohol or drugs to numb it all away. to say anger didnt drive the fear i had of takin another drink and goin back to the hell i had left behind, would be straight up story tellin ya’ll. it was relentless and tumultuous. i wondered if takin it all back and shovin it deep within would quiet my soul, but i also remembered the shit i had done to others when i did that before. i had to move forward and trust that everythin i was learnin and doin, shit i had never done before, would work. so up it all went, right to my HP. and yes, i will admit, i would try to take it all back and wrestle with it thinkin i had found some, new, totally brilliant, self-proposed idea to fight it again and win. but like i said that shit didnt work. so, i had to ready myself to let God remove from me all the things which i had admitted were objectionable. i had to use willingness to continue to build an arch through which i could walk a free man at last. i had to let go of my old self. as i started to embrace a spiritual style of life, freedom did come, i just had to believe that it would if i remained willin. i started usin the positive assets i had learned from my personal inventory about my talents, my strengths, and my purpose for bein here. half measures had stopped availin me anythin. when i surrendered to my HP, my journey truly began. 1 day @ a time...