my daily reflections…

without the psychic change recovery helped me to have, i could have never made a list of the ones, i, had harmed. foh sho i could make a list a mile long of the ones who had harmed me. i was willin to call out another bitch for hurtin me, but acceptin responsibility for harmin another was beyond me. and that, was what kept me emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually ill. as i lived the recovery i was beginnin to learn, i was slowly becomin responsible. and not the unhealthy responsibility of protectin myself with false pride or in attempts to shield myself from feelin the effects of the many fears i had, but becomin responsible in openin my mind to concepts that i may have known, but never tried to practice in the ways recovery was expressin. lookin at myself was a difficult task, it took time and patience on my behalf. i had to feel the inner conscious of the hope and faith i was learnin to feel comfortable with so i could use the honesty the 1st step was askin of me. this took courage man, and it was with steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7, that i became willin enough to be humble enough to see my part in the shit i had done to others. lists had been made in my 4th step inventory, but those lists, as valuable as they were, were lists of resentments toward others. this list was different in that it was a list that i had to make that clearly showed my unhealthy behaviors. recovery was teachin me that i could not be reconciled to a life without alcohol unless i could experience an entire psychic change. well, that psychic change was occurrin because the list i had to make had become easier for me to produce. with that list, i could see the many problems that i had despaired of ever solvin. i began to find myself able to write out how i had hurt others and what i needed to do to make shit right so i could live past the desire for alcohol. it showed, me the helplessness i had lived while out doin my dirt. slowly, i no longer wanted to be a hypocrite in Gods world. the sense of integrity i thought i once had, started to become somethin i had never experienced integrity bein. i found that as i started puttin as much energy into my recovery by practicin spirituality, attendin meetins, and hangin out with others in recovery, as i once put into my active addiction, i was able to write this list much easier. indecision became somethin that waned as i relied more and more on those in recovery, and the relationship i was buildin with my HP. 1 day @ a time...