My Thoughts for Today

My Thoughts for Today I had been involved in ITR during the start of COVID- which was my only saving grace during a horrific time in my life. Trying to leave a toxic abusive situation, living in a shitty neighborhood, surrounded by people whom didn't have my best interest at heart, and being a single mom of a teen and a baby. Today im living states away with out my children. My sons dad took him to the neighboring state and I havent herd from him since before Christmas my ex has my baby girl who just turned 2 and I havent seen since April. I had him take her and chose not to participate and go witsth the court as they tried to leverage us agianst one another and I was afraid of her being taken from him or worse being a ward of the state. Im not sure how a resolution will come about that her father and I cant communicate. I have little to no support. So, I came down south to rent a room from my friend and stay with him his wife and three kids. I am very blessed and fortunate despite any and all trials and turbulence life has thrown at me. I have survived alot of violence and abuse in my life and still tackle the side effects of trauma. Ive greatly enjoyed ITRS meetings on trauma- grief healthy realthionships- and recovery dharma- sex love and recovery with rob weisis. That with my faith and higher power has most certainly been what has kept me a float during these trying times. Even when I got locked out of my account and have been absent, the tools I learned the books i read and sharing similar experiences with others have still been in the forefront of my mind. I was in alanon as child and attended meetings with my mom for that and AA meetings with my dad until his death. So meetings have been something I found helpful in childhood and often did what i could over the years when friends and family suffered to help them with connections i made over the years or attend meetings with others. I enjoy the lay out to recovery dharma the most. I feel we are all addicts. And the treatment and journey and even pinpointing what you suffer from are a complex set of circumstances unique to each individual. The path of finding what helps us recover from our human nature is a personal experience. And i feel in my almost 35 years of existence and experience of life that its best to approach these matters with open mind, open heart, and without judgement. Which isnt always easy. I have also been lucky enough to be involved in differing kinds of therapy thru out my life and have always had a sensitivity to others and their struggles. The other day i told my friend about ITR and they attended a recovery dharma meeting. Today i took out my book, read wrote out some of the questions and attended a meeting that happened to be going. Lastnight I was lucky enough to catch the trauma meeting. Im looking forward to getting back involved in the meetings that helped me so much as im still finding my path. I figure I will utilize this blog spot again on my journey . Im looking forward to reconnecting with others as I mend my wounds and try and find my place in this world and hope to be apart of my childrens lives and build support and family agian. These are my thoughts just for today.. #1 Awakening: Buddha Who was I before the world got to me? This question is hard for me to answer. I think being raised in a violent home the world always got to me. I suffered a fractured skull in infancy and my father said I was never the same. I look at pictures and think back to times where I was so little and always had a fight or flight response. I grew up in different homes but my self remained the same- on edge. However, I always had an open heart and open mind. I have always had an ability to deep think easily..which has always labeled me childlike or misunderstood. I guess before the world got to me I was like everyone else innocent and love for that's what i think most of us are down to our core. Who am I beyond the obsession of my conditioned mind? I suppose beyond the condition of mind I am innocent and pure love. Just like the above question; the world getting to me is a simplistic way of describing a conditioned mind. We are mere creatures of obsession or “habit” Who am I beneath all my walls and heartbreak? Beneath my walls and heartbreak I’m a giving, loving, intelligent being. What does Buddha have to do with recovery? Buddha does mean awakening. When we are recovering from whatever we suffer from it is always as if a veil is lifted. Waking to a new perspective or different lense of life situations. Buddha's path and knowing that craving leads to suffering- addictions are suffering . Awakening to these truths is recovery. In essence Buddha and what he represents is the poster symbol for recovery and balance. DUKKHA- persistent dissatisfaction with life- dramatic or subtle. How does dukkha relate to addiction? Dukka is a persistent dissatisfaction with life. Addictions are away of escaping the present moments. It is in essence what addiction is- a failed attempt to deal or not deal with this dissatisfaction. SANGHA- spiritual community What have I done with my experience of suffering? I have had times where I shared my experiences and helped others whom have suffered. Or at least I think have. I have taken my experiences and looked deeply into ways its affected me and others. I have used these experiences as ways to help self and at times punish myself. I have had times where my experiences were a catalyst for avoiding and fueling other addictive behaviors. My experience has built and destroyed relationships. Above all my entire life I have always attempted to use my suffering to help heal self and others. WE ARE NOT ALONE- What does this mean to me? The question in meeting I believe it means we are all one with each other in this world. Same experiences or different we can all relate to negative feelings as well as positives. Our journeys may be different but our feelings our shared and relatable. Especially if we can commit to practicing non judgment of self and others. When we are able to share and listen to one another we can see these feelings that we often claim “only me” are a shared experience. We are never alone. Also on a deeper level I believe in my higher power and the grace and love of those past, future and present in my life so truly I'm never alone.