my daily reflections…

i can recall thinkin i had to be distinguished from others, and it wasnt for any of the right reasons. i remember thinkin the great mind and intelligence i had would surely place me in a role of leadership, to be celebrated and recognized. as long as i was gettin what i wanted, i could care less about anybody else. the only thing i accomplished with that way of thinkin was loneliness. with actions i thought were right, i pushed people away. it was always the self-inclusive thinkin and behaviors that didnt have any regard for another that kept people away. as i clamored within for friendship and love from others without givin any to even receive it, i tried harder and harder. its just like in the big book on pages 60-64. i can remember readin those pages for the first time in the cass county jail and sinkin in my bunk as i read about me. how could they have known? wasnt this fuckin book written some 70 years ago? yet all i kept readin was all about me. the ambition i had while out doin my dirt was truly misled, utterly self-centered, and crazy selfish. i had work to do when i came into recovery, as much as i thought i helped others back in the day, i learned i only did it in an attempt to get what i wanted from them. there was no honest desire to genuinely help another for their sole benefit. this mornins daily reflection says that i need to keep a deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God. not talk myself up, buildin my own ego at the expense of others. the spiritual principle of step 12 is service. not a sense of service toward others that expects return, but a sense of service toward others that gives of me. recovery has taught me to tell the truth, when its the truth, only to the person who can do the most good with it, and that generally means honesty with self. for when i am truly honest with myself, i get the opportunity to live with the true ambition this mornins readin eludes to. when i pray, meditate, and keep my inventory current, God always is with me because i am with God. i no longer need to search for somethin that cant be lost. i must always remain teachable, learnin to humbly walk with my HP, bein useful and effective, so i can be what others need, enrichin my spiritual condition. 1 day @ a time...