I fear silence. Silence means emptiness and aloneness. I can’t stand the echo of nothingness that surrounds me. Noise has filled my life forever. It is the only consistent thing in my life. My head always kept busy with finding solutions to conflict. My heart always full of feeling of some kind to untangle. Finding peace in silence is an alien concept, one I struggle to come to terms with.
It’s rare to find myself alone at home, but on Friday the house was empty except for me and my menagerie. The rain poured from the sky drowning out what little sunlight was afforded on this already dark November day. My little dogs and cats languished in a selection of comfortable beds in front of the fire. They stirred occasionally to stretch and returned back to their peaceful contentment immediately.
I envied their ability to just be. They had no thought of the pile of laundry to be done, the dirty floors to be swept. Endless thoughts didn’t enter their heads at lightening speed to confuse their lives endlessly. Finding peace in silence wasn’t an issue for them. I wondered if their little heads were filled with thoughts, perhaps of their life before me. Did they remember their mother and siblings? Do they grieve as we do for family and old companions?
Overwhelmed by the endless to-do lists, I found myself stuck and unable to really do anything at all. I switched off the tv that nobody was paying attention to, placed my phone on silent, leaving it out of reach in the kitchen. I found myself pulling a cosy blanket from the cupboard and set about getting comfy on the floor beside my little friends. Ruby, my constant companion, made her way over to me to snuggle under my chin. We lay there, in the quiet of our home, nothing but the sound of the rain outside falling on the concrete and only the crackling of the fire broke the complete silence.
Guilt and if I’m honest, some shame, engulfed me at partaking in such an indulgent moment on a Friday morning. Doing nothing but so much to do. Yet in that moment, a feeling of gratitude took over. There was such utter bliss in this insignificant and non astonishing moment that I may remember forever. It became, at that moment, the most important thing I had to do that day. One by one I appreciated each little creature that had now found their own snuggle spot against my blanketed body, and suddenly found peace in silence.
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I have not been on here for a while. I struggled with staying clean but now I have been clean since May 2015. For me this is a long time. I realize now I was in bad company and it kept me using because of my low self esteem. I let people walk all over me just like I did when I was using and not speaking up for myself about how I was really feeling and what Ihow I did not want to be treated. I have since removed anybody in my life that had no respect for me as a person and I’m talking about the members that had a lot of clean time. I found that to a lot of recovering addicts think that as long as I don’t use how I treat people and live is okay. I always thought recovery was changing your perspective and changing how you were while using. I did not think that so when I started getting clean this time, anybody that was still doing the same things as if they were using I do not have them in my life, they are there to let me know recovery is a struggle but I must continue to do an honest self check to make sure I am going forward and not backwards. I loved going to meetings now I do not, I go to the lunch time meeting so that I don’t have to run into this particular person that did the most harm to me. Although he can not make me use because of the way he treated me anymore he thinks we are still friends and I finally get with friends like him I don’t need enemies.
I enjoy silence abd being alone. My house work keeps me busy snd my dogs foll my lifecwith joy! I love when i get a little extra money that i can go out and buy them toys! They comfort me in silence. Sometimes i play music to soothe me or to get me going to fill the space. I enjoy cooking . Occasionally i meet with a friend once a week. My life is full with my dogs and I. Being alone is not a problem but i must push myself to be with ppl. Isolation is my friend…and my enemy. If Im alone for too long I can go to bad places innmy head. The upcoming holidays are only stressful if i see my 5 grown kids. I often choise no be with friends instead. I may test the waters and stop in my ex’s home who is hosting them for a moment. However, im afraid the pain it may cause may make me suicidal. Then i want to use to kill the pain. Fortunately I was a prescription addict. I have no way of obtaining them anymore so I am a little safe, but i don’t really want to put myself in that position to have those feelings. I feel if they wanted to see me they would come to my house. But they dont. So why risk it. They blame me for everything. In the ten years ive been clean they have not forgiven me or given me a second chance. I chose to gaurd my heart like the bible says. I do not feel they are safe ppl or maybe i don’t trust that my emotions will be safe after seeing them. I have a new granddaughter i have not been invited to see. Why see her and fall in love only to not be able to see her again. The bible states I am to guard my heart and I am careful to do that. If they could meet me on my tirf I may feel like they really wanted to see me, but…I dont know. I may pray for the strength but idk if it is wise, Im afraid it will only cause the deep pain that leads me yo use. Today, I dont think in terms of guarding my sobriety, i think in terms of guarding my heart, my brain and my emotional well being! I know what leads me down the path of destruction. Ive been diagnosed with Alzheimers but i have no further cognitive deiclinr! I must keep my stress to a minimum because it really affects my memory to be srressed out so I consider guarding my heart and emotional well being an important part of my life! I am happy most of the time now. I have gotten rid of my room mates which I believe decreased the feeling of negativity in my hone. There was not much social interaction but the few things I asked to be done or not to be done were met with a resounding “no”! Even though ot has created a financial hardship I would rather not eat than have that! I am so much happier! Ive been released from my family and the burden of housing others in need and i feel free for obnce in my life! Thats important to me. It hs decreased my stress exponentially and happiness is flowing out of my. I was invited to my soms wedding which was a shock. I went all the way to CA only to find he didnt spend a minute talking to me! But I was so happy for him and the love was flowing from me. His wifes mother and i talked and enjoyed each other even though there was a little bit of a language barrier.. I introduced myself yo her family and sent tome with many of them. They all told me what a wonderful man i raised which reinforced in me the knowledge that i did something right as a mother. My adult children enjoy telling me what a horrible terrible mother i was but i know that isnt true or they wouldnt be the ppl that they are. His new wifes friends and his new friends that i met enjoyed me and complimented me on the son that i raised. They bought me drinks (soda) and didnt want me to leave. His mothe in law insisted on taking a picture with me because I was so happy and full of love! I told her,”Im Italian, thats why!” So I found solace in knowing the man that invited me for show but wouldnt talk yo me had a mother that raised him right! I have to find joy where i can!
Silence is my time to not reflect on my mistakes but to acknowledge my progress. To look at myself in a new brighter light and be who I am now not who I was. It’s time to encourage myself and really think about how I feel. I realize that I don’t want to go back I will keep going forward and I can do it sober.