Becoming Happy in Recovery: Five Action Steps Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

In the early stages of sobriety, most recovering addicts are so focused on staying sober and keeping up with the basic necessities of life that they forget about their need to be happy. And for a while this is fine, as establishing and maintaining sobriety can require a person’s entire focus for many months. Eventually, however, life is less about staying sober and more about healthy living. And a key element to living life as a healthy sober person is happiness.

I’m not talking about the happiness you momentarily feel when something goes your way, like winning $500 in a raffle. Rather, I’m talking about an internal sense of happiness that persists no matter what happens in your life. It’s there when things go well; it’s there when things don’t go well. When you have this type of happiness, your need for escape through addictive substances and behaviors essentially goes away. In fact, in 12-step meetings when people say they’ve been relieved of the bondage of their addiction, this is what they are talking about. They’ve found an enduring sense of happiness, and because of that they no longer feel a need to drink or use.

Interestingly, much of what occurs in addiction focused therapy, 12-step meetings, and working the 12 steps is designed to steer you toward this deep sense of happiness and contentment. In particular, five common tasks/goals of recovery point you in this direction.

1. Be Grateful: Research done by my colleague Brené Brown tells us that gratitude is the key to lasting happiness. After extensively interviewing tens of thousands of people about all aspects of life, she found one major difference between those who are happy and those who are not: Happy people are grateful for what they have. And it doesn’t matter what they have. They can be rich, poor, married, single, young, old, black, white, or anything in between those extremes. If they are grateful for what they have, they are happy, and their underlying happiness endures at all times. So if you’re feeling down or triggered toward relapse, write a list of people, places, and things for which you are grateful. You’ll be amazed by how quickly and completely this improves your mood. Better yet, when you practice gratitude on a regular basis you learn to be grateful (and therefore happy) no matter what happens in life.
2. Connect With Others: The first word of the 12 steps is “we.” That’s no accident. Addicts trying to get sober and stay sober are happier (and more likely to stay sober) when they’re connected to others in the same situation. In fact, people in general are happier when they feel emotionally and psychologically connected to others. Of course, becoming connected requires vulnerability (overcoming your fears of rejection and judgment and sharing the real you). If you struggle with this, talking openly and honestly in group therapy sessions and 12-step meetings—settings in which the entire purpose is to be vulnerable in a safe, nonjudgmental space—is a great way to practice.
3. Forgive: In therapy and 12-step meetings you’ve probably heard people talk about letting go of resentments. And if you’ve worked steps 4 through 9, it’s likely that you’ve actively addressed some of your more powerful resentments. Letting go of resentments is useful and necessary not only for sobriety, but for overall happiness. Happy people do not hang on to resentments. They forgive and let go of old hurts. They accept that people are not perfect.
4. Be of Service: If your therapist or your sponsor or a 12-step group elder has suggested you take a service commitment, it’s not because that person is lazy and wants you to do all the work. It’s because he or she knows that being of service is a great way to feel “a part of” instead of “apart from.” This is true not just for addicts, but for people in general. Plus, being of service improves your self-esteem by reminding you that you have something useful and valuable to offer.
5. Find Your Purpose: The lives of active addicts are so focused on the addiction that everything else falls by the wayside, often for years on end. Because of this, by the time most addicts enter recovery they feel lost in terms of living life. Meanwhile, happy people’s lives have a sense of meaning and purpose. Happy people instinctively know what’s most important in their life. It might be caring for their kids, helping others, feeling a spiritual connection, or anything else. Happy people know that it’s hard to feel blue when they’ve got something more important to do. It doesn’t really matter what your purpose is; if you feel good about it, then pursuing it will lead you to happiness.

Obviously, the five action steps listed above are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to living a healthier, happier life in sobriety. There are all sorts of other things that can enhance your deep and abiding sense of happiness and contentment. For some people, exercise and eating right are important. For others, meditation, journaling, and otherwise looking inward are incredibly helpful. And for just about everyone, engaging in enjoyable activities (playing games, watching movies, and just plain chatting with friends) may be key. That said, I find that the action steps listed above—in particular being grateful—are primary elements of every happy recovering addict’s life.