In this next essay on Rosemary O’Connor’s wonderful book about being a mother in recovery, we tackle two very thorny subjects….dating and money. Let’s start with dating.
I can’t count how many times I have heard a woman tell her story at a meeting, and at some point in the lead, she says “And then I met a man….” And there follows a collective “UGH!” We all knew what that meant. Most of us had been there. Looking for love in all the wrong places. We look because (as was discussed last week) we have no self-esteem and cannot bear to be alone.
Rosemary O’Connor described several attempts at relationships that had failed — all because she was desperately trying to find wholeness by joining with another person, all of whom were just as dysfunctional as she was…or, as she stated, “My dysfunction was attracted to his dysfunction…a perfect fit.”
Prior to entering recovery, I had become close friends with another alcoholic who also was not in recovery. We tried finding recovery together as friends. While in early recovery we became closer and entered a dating relationship. By that time, I had switched addictions. I was now addicted to my alcoholic. That is what is known as co-dependency.
Now, six and a half years into recovery, we are still in a relationship of sorts. However, while I am in recovery, he has been in and out so many times, it makes my head spin. Rosemary determined that she had changed addictions as well, but rather than being addicted to one person, she was addicted to the whole concept of being in a relationship. As a result, she started attending SLAA meetings (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous).
I have been attending Alanon meetings and working the steps there as well as in AA. I am also working with a recovery life coach and she asked me to do something that Rosemary’s sponsor asked her to do …. make a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. Once completed, she told me that I first needed to see those qualities in myself.
What a revelation! Rosemary made two additional suggestions for those of us in recovery…. first, have a friend who would act as a coal mine canary for you – sing like a bird if a potential partner sent up “red flags”. As she so aptly stated, those kinds of red flags don’t indicate that a parade is in town. And, additionally, she suggested being in a committed dating relationship for at least a year before introducing the partner to the kids. It is just not fair for us to bring multiple potential parents into our kids’ lives.
Now, let’s talk about money. How many of you physically or mentally cringed at the suggestion? Rosemary talked about fear of financial insecurity. Now, it is important to note that she had a great job and made a lot of money, but she also spent more than she made and was always facing debt. Twice in recovery it became a serious issue. The first time, she was still spending dysfunctionally, and lost her job. She was worried about how to meet her monthly necessities, let alone any unexpected expenses…like a broken vacuum cleaner.
She had started attending Debtors Anonymous (yes, yet another 12 step program). The value in this was that she learned, just as she had in AA, that she was not unique and that many people had trouble handling finances. The second time she faced financial insecurity was when she decided to leave her job to start her own business. At that point, she re-engaged with the person who first took her to DA and who had become a financial coach. Acknowledging that there is an issue is the first step in recovery, right?
So, how does money affect my life? Well, I have been blessed to have a good job for many years. It was good enough to support two households when I first separated from my ex-husband who was not working at the time. Now, I am getting ready to leave my well-paying job to begin my own coaching and therapy practices. Do I have some financial insecurity? Yup. Do I fear it? Surprisingly, no. I have a plan. I have looked at my finances. By facing my fears, they have been dissipated.
Rosemary and I came to the same conclusion….we are only as sick as our secrets. Make a financial plan. If you are too afraid, ask a trusted friend who is good with money for help. Find a financial coach or even a trainee that might be able to do the work with you pro bono. If you have regular income, even if it is disability, try saving just a little every month. Even if it is $5.00. Saving makes you feel successful. Finally, try to keep track of everything you spend for just a month. It will allow you to see places where you spend too much…..and perhaps let you see where you spend emotionally. It will give you clarity. It will give you a sense of peace.
