I’d address you by name but you have so many so I’ll just call you booze. When I first met you, you made me feel loved, secure and at peace. You lent me your strength. Your charm rubbed off on me. I felt like a better man when I embraced you. You had me from the very beginning. The unspoken agreement was unknown to me. I didn’t know that by accepting your many gifts I would lose some of my own….even if I hadn’t found them within myself yet.
At first it seemed like a good trade. I had never felt sane. You could have my non-existent sanity. I didn’t understand self-respect….or that you could take that too. I didn’t want you to take the love from my life. You did, even though I begged you not to. You took my family and friends. You ruined relationships. You turned people against me. I thought it was them but at this point we had become one.
I stopped seeing myself as a separate entity from you. You became part of me. You started to steal things from me. There was no “deal” anymore. There was only things you wanted….that you needed me to provide. As we melded into one I became my own god. I was the one stealing, cheating and lying. I became booze. I manipulated others just as you manipulated me in the beginning. I gave toxic gifts camouflaged as hopes and dreams. This made you so happy. We would not suffer alone. I preyed on other’s fears, wants and needs. You were my mentor. My teacher. My Father and Mother.
You were so proud when I became you and everything that you possessed. I learned to hate. I learned to resent more strongly than ever before. You gave me all these things. I was your life as much as you were mine. You took my money and my jobs. You took my home and my comfort. No matter where I went you followed. I must admit, most of these things I gave to you freely. I was ignorant. In the very end you took my soul. After all we had been through when you saw I had nothing left, you dragged me to a deep dark place and there you locked me away. You kept me hostage in my own mind with shackles of my own making.
It was there that I wept long and hard, never ending tears of self-pity. You sat with me there in that dark place. You stopped giving me things. You left me all alone with nothing to sustain me. Then, on the very precipice of death I found AA (or maybe AA found me). In the blackness I clumsily felt around and found a key! It unlocked the heavy, rusted and worn shackles weighing me down. It unlocked a door hidden by the absence of light in my mind. Only I could open it but I had grown accustomed to the engulfing abyss.
I was scared to push the unlocked door open. I didn’t know what was on the other side. I was terrified! In my desperation, I leaned against it and it creaked open. A tiny sliver of light burst through with no warning or filter. It’s as if I was thrust into a new world. My eyes were unaccustomed to the intensity. Everything was blurry at first. My mind started to adjust. I slowly continued to push the opening wider until finally, it was all I could see. I bathed in the light. It was warm and safe. I washed away the fear and terror that had gripped me since before I could recall.
Then came a day I had only dreamed of. With the precision of a brain surgeon and the sharpness of a scalpel a new being cut you out of me. It told me that I could be loving, understanding and tolerant. It never introduced itself but it didn’t need to. It was apparent to me that we had already become acquainted – my Higher Power and I. I had heard of such a thing but never communicated with one. Now that you had been removed I had a gaping hole inside me that my HP quickly filled. It didn’t seem to want anything in return for freeing me from your deathly clutches. I have continued to speak with it ever since that beautiful day.
I don’t know what happened to you. There never was a formal goodbye. I’m not sad anymore. I fill the void inside myself with love and peace and serenity. It’s with love, peace and serenity that I now say my farewell to you – officially – and all that goes with you.
Goodbye my old friend. Father, Mother and enemy. My caregiver and caretaker. My warden, my accomplice and my master. Goodbye….for you have no hold on me now. Goodbye for we are different. Goodbye for I have found a new guide and its name is Higher Power.
30 Comments
WOW! Awesome writing. I felt so much the same. When booze was cut out of me and left a gaping hole, HP filled it immediately and I got what booze promised me in the beginning, but didn’t come through; booze always takes, HP always gives.
Love this!
Thank you so much. Realizing that I’m not alone in this anymore really drives me forward. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.
Your mind is so beautiful Phil.
Thank you for that amazing compliment. There are dark rooms in my mind i have yet to open but one day at a time I’ll get there. Peace and Love to you Ky.
Really great piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it and identify with it so much. Thank you Phil
Thank you for saying that. I’m glad you were able to take something from it. It’s a true testament of this program to allow myself to be vulnerable without “100 forms of fear”. Thank you again.
I enjoyed reading that awesome job phil….
Thank you. It was a release to write. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Phil. Thank you for using your talent to help us stay sober. May the Sunlight of the Spirit shine on you. May your talent continue to inspire others and help you on your journey. Peace and Love, my brother.
Thank you for that. Helping the next person is an important part of my program. Without that I would not be here today. Peace and love to you as well.
Thank you Phil
I needed this today!!!
Such an inspiration for those of us struggling with alcohol!!!
I’m glad I could help. It reminds me I’m not alone when someone says they relate to my story. Hope you are enjoying your sobriety. Thank you for the comment.
Dang…deep. I love the personification (from a literary standpoint). The writing speaks the truth!
Thank you Doug. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Truth set me free. Honesty is the most important virtue in my recovery today. Thank you again.
Wow Phil you told my story. Thank you for your courage and your commitment to yourself, it helps me stay focused.
You are an inspiration.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your compliments a lot. I nice to hear someone say positive things. As an alcoholic I had to learn to love myself again (or maybe for the first time). Self love is great. We have the right to be happy. I had to tell myself that over and over. Still do to this day. Thank you again.
I am on this site to understand my son. I don’t know what to do to help. he did go to AA but quit. I wish I could take him out of this torment you have described here. it has given me hope that he can discover again the wonderful man he really is by trusting the higher power. thankyou for that.
You are welcome! There is always hope! I struggled for over a decade to find peace within myself. There was nothing anyone could say or do to make me want to change. I had to be so desperate and willing before I was to begin my own journey. “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.” (Vanilla Sky”) Thank you for letting me know about your son. I hope he finds what he is looking for out there. Peace and Love to you divy.
You told my story and I am grateful. I’m so glad I found this new way of life. I never want to go back. It was lonely and terrible. My higher power and I converse regularly. I am at peace. Life is not perfect but it is good
Progress not perfection 🙂 I always found it funny when people would say they are “a grateful alcoholic” Its only now I finally realize what that means. I am so grateful to be here today. Thank you so much for letting me know I’m not alone. When I first came to AA I only wanted to stop suffering. I never expected to one day experience happiness. Thank you again.
Phil, I adore you and this is fantastic……a day at a time I hope to continue this journey with you…..Love, old timey
Thank you dear Diane. You have been there through my last few years of recovery. I am so grateful to call you a friend of mine. Thank you for your love and support through everything.
OMG Phil!!!! That is an amazing story. I am blown away by your talent and feelings. I’m so glad you broke free my friend. xo
Thx Erin! I feel blessed everyday I wake up. I am truly grateful for good people in the program like you! Thank you for the lovely words of encouragement and praise.
Hauntingly familiar, so stark yet eloquently said. You Phil are truly gifted. Stay Blessed _/l\_
Thank you for the amazing feedback. I am extremely grateful to have the chance to share this small part of my journey with others that understand. Thank you for the kind words.
This is my first day in this site and at the end of the day I found this. I am a new sober person of 9 months but had 8 months in a hospital so am now back in the real world and stumbling around. I found this and actually read two times before posting. It hit me in a special way that made me feel really good about myself and all the others in the world who struggle with alcoholism. I could really relate to how you wrote it and I had never looked at my struggle this way before but makes a lot of sense. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. It gives me hope that I will soon find the HP that I am looking for. Again….thank you!!!!
Congrats on 9 months. I trudge around a lot. I just accept it as part of life. Im glad you related to it. I lost my only way to deal with real life when i stopped drinking but since then i have found so many others. I had to change almost everything about myself to be able to bear the extreme weight of life on life’s terms; and i am still changing. Recovery is a life long process for me. I still sometimes slow down and take baby steps when I start to stumble. Know that you’re not alone in your emotions and If no one has told you I love you today I just did. 🙂 May you find your way with peace and serenity in your heart! Phil 🙂
wishing you find your higher power my dear. maybe closer than you think
Hi Phil, It’s been a long time. I just want to say that I’m so proud of you. Your writing is beautiful. I recently Googled you and found this and your poetry books which I ordered of course, you have such talent. Your recovery is inspiring. I’m so happy for you. I see your Vanilla Sky quote in the comments above – it’s so good to hear the Phil I know and love in this new reality. You deserve so much happiness. You really inspire me. “It’s the little things, ” – sending you so much love – Rebecca