An In depth Review of "A Sober Mom’s Guide to Recovery" By Rosemary O'Connor. Intimacy and Drama/Truth and Fiction

It seems that the reading my friend and I are doing appears to cover two topics and amazingly, the topics develop to having something in common. At first glance, I was not sure how that would work out this week. The concept of finding intimacy and the recognition of being a Drama Mama didn’t seem to jive. As usual, my first thought is wrong.

Rosemary and I shared a misconception of what intimacy really is. We both thought that intimacy was inextricably wrapped up in sex and that self-worth was similarly wrapped in the relationship with a partner. But neither of us understood that intimacy reaches a deeper level. Just as Rosemary stated, I was terrified of allowing anyone to really know me. First, the problem was that I really didn’t know myself very well. But what I did know, I didn’t like much and I was afraid that if I let people see the “real me” they would run very far away.

So I assumed that I could create a surface level of intimacy. It didn’t occur to me that the terms “surface” and “intimate” were oxymorons, like jumbo shrimp or military intelligence. Because I couldn’t let anyone get close to me, intimacy was impossible. But of course, I still wanted it.

I also didn’t realize that intimacy was not reserved for a partner in life. In recovery I have learned to have intimate relationships with friends and not surprisingly, my children. Once I became emotionally available to my children, we were able to build a relationship that I never dreamed possible. I allowed them to know that I am fallible…that I don’t have all the answers and I am not only their mother but I am their confidant as well.

Let me share an example of how that intimacy started when I was in early recovery. When my ex and I separated, we made an agreement to alternate custody weeks with our children. One Friday night when I had my children with me for our week together, we had a rather loud discussion at the dinner table about a parental decision I had made a few weeks before, with which they were unhappy. After we finished our discussion, emotions were riding high and it could have been a real mess.

I stopped and looked at them and did two things. First, I made an amends to them for yelling at them. I should have maintained my cool and talked to them calmly. The second and more important thing I told them was that I was wrong in my earlier decision. I owned up to the fact that I was not perfect and told them something that they both still remember. I allowed them to know that parents don’t have all the answers. What I actually said was, “Y’know, you guys didn’t come with an owner’s manual. I have to learn what’s right and wrong as we go along. Can I please ask you to be patient, since we will all make mistakes and need to correct them?”

This was more powerful to them than I realized at the time, because it allowed us to have a taste of intimacy and they swallowed it like they were starving. They felt heard and that their opinion had validity. My willingness to be less than perfect in their eyes and recognizing their right to be heard created a foundation for our intimacy to grow.

This brings me to the subject of being a Drama Mama. Before I developed the level of intimacy with my kids, everything was drama. Our lives were fully enmeshed in it. Everything any of us did was exaggerated, whether it was physical pain, emotional stress or projection of future hysteria as a result of current conditions. The smallest wrong done to us or unrealized expectation would cause back-biting, yelling, crying, and throwing of objects…there were no conversations – just yelling at very high decibels.

Once in recovery, when my kids and I started to build that intimacy, the level of drama dropped considerably….at least on my part. One place where I tried very hard to not throw gasoline on the drama fire was in discussion about my ex. Again, I was not perfect and I did on occasion make a snide remark about him. But as soon as one of my kids would make me aware, I would apologize and work hard to avoid disrespecting my ex in front of them.

I wish I could say the same for him. It took everything in my power to not retaliate when he would make disparaging remarks about me to our kids. This was especially difficult early on as they were young teens and very emotional and impressionable. As time passed, they started to see how enmeshed in drama their father was and continues to be. In fact, earlier this year, my son told me his father was on a rampage about me and my son just said to him, “Daddy, it’s been six years…get over it already.” That was huge. To know that my son had grown to understand that drama is not the answer was such an incredible revelation.

Rosemary referenced the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous, saying that in recovery she learned to handle situations that used to baffle her and to replace drama with honesty and self-respect. And that, my friends, is where the connection between intimacy and drama intersect. Once we let go of the unhealthy drama, we are able to begin the development of healthy and intimate relationships.

What tools are recommended by Rosemary in letting go of drama and developing intimacy? In both cases, journaling can be very valuable. It allows us to face our fears and our shame in the light of day to make the pain of the struggle less insurmountable. Talking with our sponsors and with our kids allows for honest healing. Learning to listen to our inner voices, through breathing exercises and meditation, to stop and think about what is the next right thing and not just dive in. All of these skills require time to develop, because, as we know, none of us came with owner’s manuals.

Rosemary O’Connor founded ROC Recovery Services, which provides recovery coaching, life coaching, consulting, and treatment placement. Rosemary has a B.A. in psychology, is a Certified Professional Coach, a Certified Addiction Recovery Coach, published many articles on addiction recovery, appeared on TV and numerous radio shows.