Narcissists are portrayed everywhere – in movies, books, crime documentaries, daily news outlets – and this might seem misplaced and strange – love stories. These archetypes are compelling; they touch every aspect of human life. If you poll people on how they define a narcissist, a string of flowery descriptors like self-centered, egotistical, vain, cocky, etc., may emerge. None of these are wrong, and they are certainly appropriate for the non-clinical world.
In psychology, narcissism describes people who have an excessive love or admiration of themselves, much to the detriment of others. Named for Narcissus in Greek mythology, narcissists exhibit a wide spectrum of behaviors and feelings — from overt and grandiose to covert and unobtrusive.
The odds are good that you have been in a relationship with a narcissist and didn’t even know. A person doesn’t need to be loud, or overt to be a narcissist; they can be shy or quiet. But since covert narcissists aren’t easy to recognize, how do you know you are dealing with one?
A covert narcissist is…
… a person either diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or a person perceived to be narcissistic by others. In either scenario, this person’s self-esteem stagnated at a very young age, most likely because they suffered an attachment disorder with their primary caregivers/parents. As a result, they cover themselves in self-importance and approach others with an extreme lack of empathy. Covert narcissists differ from overt narcissists with the subtlety in their approaches; conversely, overt narcissists are loud, extravagant, and often described as obnoxious.
Remember this – just because covert narcissists are seen as subdued doesn’t make them less harmful. Indeed, the opposite is true – the signs of covert narcissism (or vulnerable narcissism) are not obvious, so it will be difficult to identify this person in a room. With overt narcissists, what you see is what you get.
Still, covert narcissists are so insecure and have such low self-esteem that they are afraid to be discovered, perhaps even humiliated. They like to fly under the radar using a passive-aggressive approach disguised as amiable communication.
Aside from scratching our heads trying to figure out if someone we know and love is a covert narcissist, it’s hard to understand – or even accept– that covert narcissists are extremely insecure and have low self-esteem. They may be humiliated when confronted with the truth of their diagnosis, or embarrassed when seen for who they really are. That being said, they tend to fly under the radar with passive aggression disguised as amiable communication. Here are some signs to help identify covert narcissists.
- They lack empathy. People with covert narcissism have poor emotional empathy and self-awareness. Without the ability to develop a healthy sense of self in childhood, they are often self-absorbed. They may not realize it, but covert narcissists have difficulty acknowledging other people’s feelings (or even their own). Don’t be surprised when this person always prioritizes their own needs and wants.
- They display passive-aggressive behaviors. People with covert narcissism avoid the spotlight and use subdued tactics to manipulate people. They may give you the silent treatment when things don’t go their way. They may be agreeable – or even all smiles while speaking with you – but behind your back, procrastination and making mistakes are used to control you.
- Gaslighting is a common form of passive-aggressive manipulation used by covert narcissists to exert control. They twist facts, downplay feelings, withhold information, or deliberately forget things, making you second-guess yourself and feel confused.
- They play the victim. Believing they bear no responsibility for anything, covert narcissists play the victim. They blame people and victimize themselves to grab people’s attention and sympathy. Their career and personal misfortunes are someone else’s fault.
- They avoid responsibility. Covert narcissists deflect attention from their own faults and don’t take responsibility for their wrongdoings. Instead, they find a way to shift blame or come up with flimsy excuses for every situation. Don’t expect a sincere apology from a covert narcissist.
- They focus on other people’s issues and misfortunes. Guess what? As someone who lacks empathy, a covert narcissist completely disregards other people’s feelings and uses their vulnerability against them.
- They feel completely entitled. People with covert narcissism feel superior over everyone. They make excuses to bend the rules, break protocols, or cross boundaries. Since they consider themselves special, they step on others to get a job promotion or better job, more money, a new/better house, etc.
- They are resentful and have a hidden agenda. Covert narcissists are selfish and genuinely do not care about you. When they give you a gift, it is not from the heart or because they love you. Instead, they want to garner more admiration and people’s approval. If their good deeds are not reciprocated or recognized, they will resent you, and make you painfully aware of this with their backhanded comments and subtle actions.
- They use self-deprecating tactics. A hallmark of the covert narcissist’s eccentricity is using false humility or self-deprecating comments to garner people’s attention and seek validation. They trivialize their skills and accomplishments, so people reassure them or shower them with praise.
- They obsess about their reputation. Covert narcissists worry about themselves to the exclusion of anyone else. How people view them is paramount, because they provide a way to mask their insecurities. They will preserve their perfect self-image through deception, lying, manipulation, deliberate forgetfulness, belittling, etc.
- They are sensitive to criticism. Even if criticism is constructive, covert narcissists feel superior and believe they know better than anyone and see criticism as a direct attack on their persona. When they feel threatened, this gives them permission to interrupt you to control the situation and show their superiority.
I hope this article has helped you to better understand the hidden traits of covert narcissism.
If you have been stuck in TAR (Toxic Abusive Relationships), we encourage you to begin your healing journey with a visit to our website TAR Network. We believe in the resilience of the human spirit, and that survivors deserve to come out of the fog into the light. The goals of Scars to STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships) and TAR Network™ include helping survivors to find awareness, transformation, and self-love; both aim to educate, empower, and energize people as they reclaim their sense of self-worth, rebuild their lives, and emerge stronger than ever. Our international programs are here to support you every step of the way, while breaking the chains of transgenerational trauma.
TAR Anon™ is a global fellowship dedicated to supporting STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships). As a program of the TAR Network, a 501(c)(3) global charity, TAR Anon provides a safe and supportive community for people affected by narcissistic abuse, trauma, and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), and caregivers in high-conflict situations. You can access our meetings on TAR Network. Please Join our meetings every Monday and Wednesday at 6 PM EDT on www.taranon.org.
