I remember that time, some years ago, when I saw you cross the church car park. It was the funeral of a mutual friend, lost to addiction. You had been clean for a while. The stark contrast of our dark loss and the light of your presence shook me. You took my breath away.
The shroud of addiction had fallen from you. You held your six-foot stature high and your steps were straight and purposeful. Your blond hair and intelligent blue eyes brought brilliance to a dark day. I would have run away with you right there and then. I willed for you to hold your hand out and beckon me close. You didn’t see me through the crowd. You always said we weren’t meant to be back then.
I could always see you beneath the darkness that shrouded your being. Always. I still see you even though you are engulfed once more. Life for you right now only exists within your four walls and your imagination, only happy when drugs have taken reality away.
Long texts full of memories of our youth come on a Friday night. Memories of dancing till dawn, endless laughter. But Wednesdays always came, the comedown hit hard. The fear and regret and remembering of something we said or did that we wished we hadn’t. Reality. How we fucking hated reality. How we still do!
But we did it all again the following weekend. Some of us stopped, some of us didn’t and some of us are dead. People we loved are dead and I fear that for you. For myself. My best friend. My fellow music enthusiast and mind reader.
Who will I argue about politics with if you don’t stop? My world would fall silent without your name appearing on my phone screen. Please stop! We have music to listen to, concerts to attend and films to discuss.
I wanted us to sit in the sun today and eat ice cream. Leave the windows open in the car and listen to our favourite music dangling our legs over the wall with our toes in the water. But it’s Wednesday – like all the Wednesdays of our youth. The dreaded fear that keeps you from me.
I will never let go or stop believing in you. I am too selfish to discard the other half of my heart even though sometimes it breaks me. Peace has a place for you when you decide you want it. Just don’t wait until it’s too late.
