A few weeks ago I received an email from a woman in recovery from substance abuse. She had recently started dating a new guy who, after their second date, told her that he was struggling with an addiction to pornography. She contacted me, asking for advice on how to handle the situation. She said she likes this new man a lot, and she respects his willingness to be open and honest about his issue. She wanted to know if she should stick with him, and, if so, what she could to do help him find recovery.
My advice was as follows:
If your new boyfriend is not yet in recovery but is open to the idea, I suggest a 12-step sexual recovery group. Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) are all solid places to find recovery. Any of these groups will have at least a few recovering porn addicts in the room—many of them in relationships and trying to make things work—so your new beau will likely feel at home.
If you are in an area where there are no 12-step sexual recovery meetings, as is the case in many rural areas and small cities in the US and abroad, gaining social support from other recovering sex addicts is not so easy. That said, all of the “S” programs host at least a few online meetings. Plus, InTheRooms.com hosts a weekly open-ended discussion about sex addiction, moderated by me, Friday nights at 9 p.m. Eastern. The site also hosts a Wednesday SLAA meeting at 6 p.m. Eastern, a Thursday SLAA meeting at 10 p.m. Eastern, and a Friday SAA meeting at 8 p.m. Eastern. So recovery is available to everyone.
In addition to 12-step sexual recovery meetings, both online and off, professional sex addiction focused treatment is usually a good idea. Certified Sexual Addiction Treatment Specialists (CSATs) can be found using the therapist locator provided by the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals. If there is no CSAT in your area, almost any therapist trained to deal with addiction can be helpful, especially if that therapist is willing to do a bit of research into the nuances of sex/porn addiction.
If your new boyfriend is really struggling, residential treatment may be in order. I believe that the best inpatient sex addiction rehab is The Recovery Ranch, in Nunnelly TN. (Admittedly, I’m biased, as I oversee this program.) The Ranch offers two gender-separate programs: one for sex addiction in men, another for sex addiction in women. For those who can’t (or won’t) get away for a whole month, there is an excellent 12-day intensive at Blue Tiger Recovery in Palm Springs, CA.
In addition to 12-step meetings and professional treatment, your boyfriend might want to install a protective software program like Net Nanny on his digital devices as a way to block his access to porn and other digital sexual temptations. That said, even the best of these programs can be worked around if he really wants to act out sexually.
If your boyfriend does opt for a protective software, you might be asked to set the password for him (so that he can’t change the program’s settings on his own). The better softwares also send regular and/or on-demand reports to a user’s accountability partner, letting them know what the user is doing online. I don’t recommend that you volunteer for that duty.
Accountability usually works better if sex addicts rely on other recovering sex addicts, rather than a romantic partner.
I would also recommend, if your boyfriend does have them already, my books on sexual addiction, including Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction and the accompanying workbook, Sex Addiction 101: The Workbook. Taken together, these volumes provide the most informative and up-to-date information on sex addiction and recovery. There are also a couple of interesting websites to peruse: nofap.com and yourbrainonporn.com. Both deal specifically with porn-related issues, giving great information, useful advice, and social support.
Beyond pointing your new boyfriend toward recovery, the most effective things you can do are to tell him your views on pornography (and any other addictive sexual behaviors he’s been engaging in), along with your views on addiction, letting him know what you will and won’t put up with in a romantic relationship. You might also let him know what the consequences will be if he violates your boundaries in these areas. And then, if it comes to that, you need to stick to your guns. So don’t make threats you’re not willing to keep.
What you can’t do is get your new boyfriend sexually sober. That’s up to him. There is nothing you can do that will or won’t lead to relapse or recovery for him, so do not take that burden onto yourself. Porn addiction is his cross to bear, not yours. If you want social support in this regard, consider attending S-Anon or COSA, both of which are designed to help loved ones of sexual addicts. Moreover, because you are in recovery yourself, I strongly urge you to protect your own sobriety first and foremost. Without that, you have no chance at a healthy romance with this boyfriend or anyone else.
1 Comment
12 step programs are not the answer. Sex addiction is a myth. A certified sex therapist is the answer.