“You forgive yourself for every failure because you are trying to do the right thing. God knows that and you know it. Nobody else may know it.”– Maya Angelou
Forgiveness
Why does it seem we are, many times, the last person we forgive? Have you noticed that even when we have no cause to feel guilty, when it is nothing more than our thinking, we sometimes attack ourselves for no good reason at all?
We begin to obsess, believing the world is against us, as we walk closer to that edge of The Valley of Self-Pity. It doesn’t matter what we did or didn’t do, we take ourselves personally and berate ourselves, because that is what comes naturally. Someone may take what we say personally, often because of their insecurities, and they take offense.
We may hear a certain inflection in someone’s voice, and we think, “Oops, what did I do to cause that?” We don’t have to be that sensitive to every thought, gesture or imagining.
Rather, we can look at it for what it is, pure FEAR, and nothing else.
Fear can cloud our thinking in an instant, giving us the idea of if only we, “Did something different,” or “Said something different,” we would have no fear. Many times, fear can be produced by not having said anything at all.
Forgiveness is the channel to detach from our insecure, often neurotic perception. We get caught in our thoughts of triviality and become blinded by what is real.
Are we responsible for what others think, do or say?
Absolutely not.
But how do we let go of the whirring and stirring in our head that says surely we must have something to do with someone else’s disappointment of us?
“By forgiving others, I am given forgiveness. It does not matter that the other person may never accept my forgiveness, what does matter is that by my giving forgiveness, forgiveness returns to me and blesses me by its presence.” Charles Henry, MS, DD
Don’t take yourself so seriously!
No one else does. If others do, it is because they have their own personal agenda which has nothing to do with you. As individuals, we come from unique experiences and opinions. When others take something out of context, they are hearing things according to their inner recorder. This experience belongs to them. Our job is to merely be aware and let it go.
We should never take what someone else says personally because it is none of our business. Whatever is said represents the thoughts, feelings and views of the other person since it comes from them, not us. We are not responsible for what others say or think. What we can do is listen and forgive them if necessary, and then let it go.
Practice in front of your mirror.
Allow yourself to mirror-back how you deserve to be treated and forgive yourself for real or imagined threats or actions. What loving thoughts can you honor yourself with? Let it begin deep within you because you are the one affected.
ACTION: Some loving mantras for mirror work might be:
- I am doing the very best that I can–and so is everyone else.
- I deserve my own understanding, compassion and forgiveness.
- I love you (name) exactly as you are; and so on.
Don’t let others live rent free in your head.
To the degree we do not accept forgiveness, we allow others to torment us any time at all. Know that forgiveness does not imply acceptance, or permission for us or others to continue the same behaviors. It means we have let them go and turned them over to our Universal Creator. We don’t forget–we let their behaviors go.
Write five things to forgive yourself for, and why.
Begin with something like this, (as an example only)
ACTION: “I forgive myself for saying something I shouldn’t have. Someone sent me an irate email and I reacted in kind. I took it personally, but now see it was nothing more than self-righteous fear. (“Who does he think HE is?) I am ready to let this irrational belief go. My serenity and freedom from resentment and jealousy are the most important treasures to me.”
We are divinely created and must not judge ourselves unless we want others to judge us. We are not perfect, and we make all kinds of mistakes. When we Live and Let Live, we’re given the wisdom necessary to keep the focus on ourselves and accept others where they are.
Why is this important? Because we want to be treated with the same consideration!
Keep writing until you feel free, your breathing becomes calm, and your thinking brings you back to yourself, in gratitude.
Begin by Practicing Self-Compassion:
If we want to be estimable, we must learn to do estimable acts for ourselves, first, before we do for others. Our life cycle begins with us in all things, and then moves outward toward you and others.
We begin by letting ourselves off the hook from negativity, fear, and false beliefs. When this happens, our intuition expands the universal forces of positivity. The belief that we deserve to be lovable, kind, and giving to that child that lives in each of us, infiltrates our knowing. We love and embrace that child within; we feel loving acceptance and compassion for ourselves. As we practice this new-found self-respect by loving ourselves for all that we are, these new behaviors become comfortable. The power of acceptance allows us to embrace all of us, those parts we don’t like, and those that we do. We begin to trust we are doing the best that we can, and so is everyone else.
ACTION: Make a list of things we can do for ourselves to bring compassion into our lives. Examples of self-care are all around you.
Make sure that what you think — is your reality.
Sounds ridiculous, I know. But I, too, am guilty of imagining a situation unveiling before me that has nothing to do with my truth. I project, suspect, rationalize, and FEAR as I set myself and others up in a play of my creation. Then I become both judge and jury. We don’t need to scare ourselves, waste time on others, and/or imagine anything that has not happened.
“We are never sure about someone else’s motive or actions. We only think we know—but we do not.” Harriet Hunter
Instead, we focus on what is true for us.
ACTION: Make a list of thoughts and add two columns. On the left, write the situation (“My boss is out to get me”), and on the right ask, “Are these
thoughts TRUE (has it happened yet?) or am I imagining? Yes, or no?
If it’s false, consider letting these go. If it’s true, then ask what I can or should I do about it. Speaking to your sponsor or another trusted servant can be helpful.
Practice Love and Kindness – to Yourself.
Do you treat yourself as you would a precious loved one? If not, then this is where to begin. You are worthy of everything you so graciously give to others. But what does that look like for you?
ACTION: Begin exploring gratitude’s power by writing ways you exhibit self-love. Give three examples a day for 30 days and keep them personal.
No Criticism Allowed.
We sabotage, demean, and batter ourselves emotionally when we allow negative self-talk to describe who we are or what we’ve done. No one is perfect. In the eyes of our Universal Creator, we are created equal. No one is better than anyone else. Reaffirming our goodness is a sacred act. If we don’t know what these attributes are, we must find them.
Did you know your attributes equal your shortcomings? Can you name them? Focus on your goodness; it is where your strengths are. This is the beginning of retraining our brain and creating new and positive pathways when we expand and bring front and center, our love and kindness. There is no room for self-criticism—only acceptance. We might as well begin to see all of us. A Universal Creator enables us to see ourselves in this true and loving light, and this same Universal Creator shows us this is our truth. Otherwise, we could not spot it!
Find Your Balance.
Oh, how comfortable we are working and doing for others. Going out of our way, taking care of, and responding to the needs of others is automatic for many of us. Gifting ourselves with the same nurturing, time, loving focus, and attention we give others seems foreign.
How is it we continue to put ourselves last, by neglecting to honor and support our energy and goodness? We cannot afford to exhaust our precious selves. We deserve to put ourselves first.
ACTION:
- Make a list each day of things you can do for you (and you alone,) and list them in order of priority.
- Carry them over to the next day if needed. They can be something as small as fixing a pair of pants, calling a friend, putting our feet up or getting a much-needed manicure.
- Begin by closing your eyes as you imagine your creator standing in front of you. Ask the question, “What is it you would have me do?”
Become willing to forgive.
There are many times our magnifying mind concocts perceived or real expectations, while allowing negativity and pain to take a big space in our psyche. Some hurts leave quickly; others have festered too long and require extra attention.
ACTION: Develop a prayer for willingness that sounds something like this:
“My creator, please help me to be free of pain and guilt. Show me how to become willing to forgive myself or (someone else) for what I did to cause harm. I don’t want to carry this any longer.”
After you’ve determined whether or not the issue you’re facing is real or imagined, you can then decide to let it go with prayer or to make amends.
Practice makes Progress.
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