When I ask this BIG QUESTION about relationships most people tell me what they don’t want.

“I don’t want someone who lies or cheats. I don’t want someone who doesn’t communicate. I don’t want someone who’s lazy.”

When I ask what someone wants in a job, they might reply:

“I don’t want to be chained to a desk. I don’t want a micro-managing supervisor. I don’t want to work a 9-5 job in a cubicle.”

When I ask what someone wants health wise, they might say:

“I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be tired all the time. I don’t want to look and feel old.”

DON’T DON’T DON’T

Are you catching the theme?

When asked what one WANTS most reply with what they DON’T WANT. Knowing what you want is Essential to getting what you want. Alex Milaychev, of Alex Milaychev Coaching, offers a unique twist on this.

“How To Figure Out What The F$%* You Want.”

Alex suggests keeping a JEALOUSY Journal.

She says when you track what you are jealous about it gives you insight into what you DO want. Recognizing these patterns can be effective in clarifying your DO Wants.

For example, an entry might look like this:

“I’m jealous that bitch Marie gets to travel and give workshops in exotic locations.”

Instead of just feeling the swell of green envy, explore why that’s so attractive to you. Begin to ask questions that lead you to create that lifestyle for yourself.

Alex says “writing a jealousy journal from a place of gratitude versus anger reframes your intention, because when you recognize other people’s accomplishments, it gives clues to your own desires.”

Stating a clear WANT versus stating a DON’T WANT gives your brain a direction to move toward. Our brains cancel out the DON’T and listen only to the rest of the utterance.

If you say, “I don’t want a liar and cheater.” Your brain hears I want a liar and cheater! Re-write your wants in a positive way. Get clear in both your desires and the language you use to affirm them. Learn to say what you DO WANT and practice that careful language pattern.

“I want a partner who communicates and tells the truth. I want a slender healthy body.

“I want a job where I travel, work remotely, choose my hours and communicate with my superiors in a respectful way. “

Just like you must program your GPS with a positive destination—can you imagine telling your GPS where you don’t want to go? You must give your brain a clear message of what you want and where you want it to go.

Now I ask again, “What Do You Want?”