Another Perspective

"It's a beautiful thing to see yourself from someone else's perspective"- Unknown from my first NA meeting. I have so many unbridled emotions; would a bridle even help? If I could give these emotions and beliefs for someone to observe and critique, could I handle it? My anger, my hate, confusion, loneliness, and joy all crumpled into one transient, forever changing, forever pulsing, ball of shit. Shit might not be the right word. What is it that I'm trying to express? The addiction, the itch, for connection. Real, human connection, the kind that leaves you feeling not necessarily happy, but some component of fulfilled. That, is my greatest addiction, and one that I don't think I will ever kick unless I can find some peace within myself, instead of getting it from other people. So what is the obstacle keeping me from attaining inner peace? The answer comes easily; self hate. I am so engulfed, surrounded by, and used to living in shame and animosity of who I am that I can't move beyond it. I am stuck, grounded to the extreme. Nothing is healthy in extreme's, balance is necessary in all aspects of life. As I have stated before, balance is something I struggle with exponentially. I convince myself that I am of no help, that my healing must come from outside sources, but I can write the words: healing comes from within. Can I believe them, apply them? That is a whole nother question.