Strange how I somehow thought although the 12 Step program specifically said it should continue for my lifetime? It seemed to mean your lifetime. I with my long term sobriety had arrived, settled into my official parking space at the Thursday night Men's meeting with stepsherpa placard etched in a stone curb. To look back now? It was an blank epitaph. My current state of nothingness with just a name in block print only visible to me..
Basically when I arrived at the meeting I was reminded who I was and why I felt I needed to be there. Hair brushed, leather jacket over a clever tee shirt remark. A clear view of my grand stage presentation for the new man's ignorance. Validation? Smoke and mirrors I would selfishly do anything to achieve and maintain. Jockey for position in the recovery people forest admiring the beauty in myself as a kind of Big Book 12 Step park ranger. Forestry service. Not quite the AA police. A kind of 12 Step safety patrol. Like the guy who's been around so long he absolutely believes he'll never drink or drug again. Well? The Big Book 12 Steps suggest different. Even my Chevelle SS 396 couldn't trump that darn Book. The car, the swagger, the time sober as time served. The many watching my every move, hanging on my every word? I was on the wrong track yet had no idea when or where I crossed paths.
STILL THE SURVIVOR
Worshipping people was something I thought I had left behind with my Step 2 willingness. When I was convinced, I was willing to put the people down and pick up my Spiritual Higher Power. I believed. The inventory, the outside help offered. Codependency, all that Adult Child stuff? I could still see it all in my service to others sure but me? It was just more ammunition for my inner victim. The martyr. Now the poor misunderstood alcoholic in dis ease. People who don't understand me are simply in my way.
1997 THE WORST AND THE BEST
My personal life was chaos. My girlfriend who would do anything for me wasn't enough. I dropped her and married some AA babe who I wanted simply because everybody else did. Me? What I had learned of intimacy or love had been left along my Spiritual path as I stepped off to follow my self maybe a year or so earlier. I felt hollow inside everyday.
THE BEST OF THE WORST
I parked my Chevelle and walked into the hall being greeted by many faces that I was not aware enough to put names to. The self centeredness was like a prison wall around me. Fear, I was high on fear. I sat and tried to compose myself with fragmented eye contact and nods. I felt completely exposed. Transparent. I looked away quickly in fear of people seeing through me if I stayed too long. I was loosing it yet still had no idea why.
The speaker was terrible and didn't seem to help me. 45 Minutes to go and I was in trouble. The new guy next to me looked puzzled. I would offer my grand experience and suggest a better meeting for the future. Maybe give him my number and pick him up. After all this meeting was bad. The speaker was on heavy meds or something for sure. Dry mouth, slow speech. I knew better and with my time around I could judge while unchallenged..
As the meeting closed I knew I should say something to him so just as we wrapped up the Lords Prayer I turned to let him know that even though this particular meeting was terrible I would turn him on to a much better one this week? Before I opened my mouth he turned and looked me in the eye. He said this was the best meeting he'd ever been to. He's never heard such honesty and did I know who to see about joining the group? How did he get a sponsor here and get going with the 12 Steps!
GAME OVER
I walked out of the meeting. Approached by a guy who had questions about his 4th Step I only replied I didn't know and he should ask his sponsor. Another stopped to tell me how great it was to hear me speak a month ago somewhere I couldn't really remember. I thanked him and not breaking stride kept walking to my car. The loneliness came over me like a blanket of emptiness. It shrouded out everything. I was alone, completely alone.
I had become an extreme example of self will run riot just like the Book said I would if I got complacent and turned to people for my acceptance and self worth. Yep..I was busted and there wasn't any fix me right now answers. I was missing the one thing that had saved me for so many years before. I was missing my God. I had others God and others opinions and direction to follow expecting to gain from it all? But I didn't have mine. My faith. That feeling when I took my 3rd Step or when I surrendered all of me in my 7th Step. When I kept a confidence and heard another's 5th Step. Those deep feelings of emotional security were gone and well? I wanted them back. I had my 15 minutes of fortune and glory and it was fun sure but like everything else in my life if you give me an inch? I take a mile. It was obvious to me now. I was high mileage.
CAN'T GO BACK BUT I CAN GO ON
Humbled I kind of shut down. I decided to spend my time in prayer and meditation or pray to constantly be aware of my selfishness and fear like Step 10 suggested in the Book. I even dropped out of my Thursday night spectacle meeting and headed out to meetings where nobody knew me. Where I would ask for help and introduce myself while listening before I speak. I found myself grateful to be around many who I had seemingly outgrown in my Big Book 12 Step recovery. In a way? I did go back. I did get another chance.Life did take on new meaning once again and I did feel that new freedom and happiness which comes from giving unconditionally. My host of new friends were actually many old friends. It was me. I had changed. I was again rescued from myself. Gifted with AA recovery. A willingness to serve the suffering man just as I had been. Just as I could be.
The Book said to be careful. If I lost my ability to be humble my egoism and fear could very well return. It did. It didn't matter how long I was sober. In my case I crashed at about 15 years or so. I was all fixed, straightened out on the outside sure. But the insides? That's one day at a time and should continue for my lifetime.
This morning I woke and was willing to become Spiritually awakened like the Book suggests. I was humbled. Willing to see myself as I am. Willing to correct myself as I stumble along through my day doing my best to serve my God and my fellows. Not to forget the sober life I live. The truth is? I should be grateful for minutes not days.
Author
stepsherpa