Especially in the beginning of recovery, I could only see my life in crisis. A victim. Mortified by my minds eye as it wandered my past in search of reason, seeing only blame. Holy crap the places I'd been and things I'd seen. Could that really have been me in my black hole with only shame and guilt? It's over, I just can't live with myself and no, I can't change. I'm trapped in my horror. Hopeless thoughts pound me as if I alone was there. It's me. If I was there it was bad. I'm bad. I'm always bad..
That's why I never have enough money, my wife doesn't love me nomatter how much she says she does. My house is too small, the coffee is bitter. Using my head is a job. Effort. Nothing comes easy. I'll never amount to anything, it'll never work no matter what it is if it includes me. Everyone is everything and I'm not.
Well..Ok. Some are sicker than others. AA Big Book 12 Steps is the first place I've found where being sicker can be a good thing. Where being constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself was more or less a requirement to Step up to the suggested Spiritual path. Where admitting wasn't whining and being lost and alone could get me found if I could let it happen. That whole "step from bridge to shore" thing. Seems simple enough if it wasn't for my extreme self centered fear always choking me out. Making me the square peg or on the outside always looking in at everyone else. Why couldn't I just fit in?
SO I'LL JUST FIX MYSELF TODAY
The sooner I realized I have a severe people problem the better chance I have to solve the problem of self medicating for the day. Filling my belly with booze before the money runs out? An overwhelming sigh of relief hearing a rattle in my pill bottle. What does this have to do with people? Well, people were everywhere. I was convinced I was drinking a bottle of ex-wife or pushing brown lines to save me from childhood sexual abuse. I had been living my life in fear, on the run from my self. Frozen in my own history I was incapable of seeing yours. I was surviving each day, hanging on by a few reoccurring threads that allowed me to feel somewhat safe. This was delusion. Selfish delusion..
Big wake up call for me was realizing I was drinking and drugging for a reason. I was so deep in my addiction I didn't even know. All I saw was me bouncing from person to person. Basically doing anything for anyone who would just like me or accept me at least. Let me into their world not realizing it was me keeping myself out. My own self centered fear dominated every thought. This I caught a glimpse of as I put the mind altering substances down.
Yep.. Reality came at me like a freight train only this time I stood fast. I couldn't, I wouldn't jump out of the way.. The good news is in AA meetings and the 12 Steps? I was ready for the hit, ready for a good look at myself. I needed to come out from behind the train of circumstance I had created.
Bring on the B movie. I was ready to have a look around my life. To be honest? It sucked. I couldn't believe how screwed up I was. And this whole screwed up thing didn't just happen no. It went way back. Way way back. I was a bad four year old. I was real gone. I never came back. I'm in a twenty seven year old body who's been stuck worshipping people for my self worth since four? What the hell!
Apparently four year old's don't make very good husbands or fathers. They don't adapt well to responsibility either. Career opportunities? Coping skills of any kind really? Providing emotional security? Even caring for myself, proper hygiene paying bills, having friends.. Nope. An empty four year old grows into a hollow man. I was that empty void.
SELF-CENTERED FEAR IS THE ROOT OF ALCOHOLISM?
I myself or speaking for myself? At the time couldn't really imagine I'd remember four years old nevermind go back there. But there it was as if I was right there right now complete with it's ongoing tunnel vision that has been with me always. I was crying in the corner, my Spirit in a puddle on the floor. I wasn't sure if it was the belt or screaming anger? A slap or a kick that knocked it to the floor but there it was. Completely separated from me like an arm or leg had fallen off me. It was no longer my Spirit. Oddly now I was willing to look where other times I was simply blindsided and stopped in my tracks. Jumping from my own head to selfishly taking hostages in hopes of making others feel what I feel. Pain really. Make others pay for how I feel about myself. Looking for control? Overcome fear? Just do what Daddy did. Control them with fear as only a temper tantrum can produce.
There wasn't much else really. Some blips, bad memories here and there and then "poof" I'm an adult. A survivor. But there was much more to me as I was willing to break out of the fear. As I prayed to my newfound Higher Spirit for courage and strength to see myself sure but also the bigger picture. Life beyond the trauma, life beyond the emotionally paralyzing events. Beyond the self centeredness was a world where others lived. The others I could never see beyond. They had lives too? Weird. There were futures and pasts? Histories, beliefs, dreams. There were others thoughts and years of experience. But I couldn't handle people. I was afraid of them. I denied all of it. I did all the thinking for all of them so I could create some sort of security. In a nutshell? I knew everything about everyone everyday I just didn't know how to shut myself off. Or I did for a while but it stopped working. There was no more functioning in life it was just wake up and pass out as fast as I can. Eventually that stopped working also. I couldn't get it together enough to get drunk or high. I was nothing.
AS MY FEAR FADES
Time to clean up what's left of my system.. Show up for the 12 Step psychic change offered. Eh.. what is apparently my own selfish bondage? I will exchange this daily horror for a new willingness, a newfound freedom. I will take the risk. I pray for courage, I can do this. I will let myself see others as they live their lives. I will let them have histories that don't include me. I will let them have their loves and their losses without me. I will let them be themselves.. I will pray for courage and not be threatened.
I SEE MYSELF I AM NOT AFRAID I SEE OTHERS I AM WORTHY
It's hard to see others lives I can't control. They all have known better people than me. They all have better thoughts than the ones around me. If I can't control them they won't want me. The self centered fear is strong, unbearable really. In time I do find relief. Sure it still comes and goes as I Step up to the suggested Spiritual path the Big Book 12 Steps offer. The difference is it's no longer the norm. I no longer live under constant fear and tension as I try to live sober. I'm actually living life one day at a time and it's good.
The Big Book was everywhere from the table in front of the meeting to my bedside. On the seat in my truck and in some cases quick fuel for the woodstove. Myself an admitted hopeless case I was just as surprised as anyone to find the Big Book 12 Steps were actually in the Big Book. Oddly I needed no celebration of diversity to be in Big Book 12 Step recovery. All that was required was my willingness to put the drink down and have a good thorough look at myself..
12/12 Steps? Some can read, retain and apply while others may seem unteachable and consider the Spiritual approach a must. I still go to meetings to find out what happens to people who don't go to meetings? I can see people now. I have relationships with people besides myself. I'm happy to be a part of who they are.
Letting go of self centeredness has taken time for me. Almost as if taken by a sober evolution life has opened up. Everything I know about myself and my AA recovery I learned as I woke up this morning. Sure I have plenty of yesterday's sobriety but I try not to rely on it. I tend to get complacent and well, lazy if I seem to know all the answers to questions already asked. But that's just me.
Big Book Step 11 Upon Awakening? Page 84 through 88? Willing to be Spiritually awakened I can think clearly for the most part. I can humble myself by pausing when agitated or doubtful. No need to fight it out in my head. I can be a part of things and not spend my time in fear jockeying for a position of control to create my acceptance. I can be happy with who I am as long as I can accept who you are also. It's not all about me feeding my fear.
I'm just a part of it all and really? That's all I ever wanted to be.
Author
stepsherpa