Sure, Step 12 carry the message? Practice these 12 Step spiritual principles in all my affairs? As I learned a bit about principles, when and how to give or how to offer myself, pretty much anything that seemed to offer unconditional support to anyone was the proper use of my will and got the green light. I was giving now and not just taking. I had seen myself, my history, my conduct and defective character. I prayed for change, I was willing to change. My will was no longer a weapon. The Book said this new attitude would gradually become part of my working mind. Well yes it was and is, slowly but still yes it was and as of today right now? Still happening. I do continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I am willing to see myself as I am and not seek validation from others, or is my emotional security measured by what I think you think of me. I am no longer worshipping people for my self esteem. I do not need others to like me so I can like myself. I believe in the power of the Spirit in my life today. This is my source of courage and strength.
A simple attitude of tolerance? Was this enough? Great! Keeping another's confidence? Wow! this meant keeping my own self respect. I didn't even know the two were connected. Power. Like, resentment kind of power. Hate power yeah, I could hate enough to conquer the world or atleast you. Anger, brainstorm.. I thought any gossip or personal information about others was free ammunition to be used for my own gain. Hopefully bring someone I can't control down to my level thereby feeling better about myself by eliminating their threat to my security. You can trust me? Look at all I know about you. Well, I was way off on the path of my own selfishness and fear.
As I saw myself and the harm I was doing to myself the willingness to change came strong. I was inching ahead day by day in the 12 Steps. Especially with Steps 10 and 11 daily. I could see myself? I could see my spirit. Over and over. As I stopped abusing myself I had stopped creating the enemy. Stopped going toe to toe with every person place or thing deemed unacceptable to me. And with that? The world and it's people were no longer retaliating everyday. Step 12, I was calming down.
So.. On the AA 24 hour chip it says "To thyne own self be true". I get it I think. I must be good to myself first to be of any benefit to others. Seems like almost any personality that's adopted the AA suggested spiritual principles can fit under the AA Step 12 umbrella too. I mean really, we(any number of us in AA) definitely wouldn't mix very well out on the street yet in the halls? We are one.
Maybe that's why it was so weird the other day when this young ghetto punk who looked like he'd start sex pistols type trouble over anything with anybody held the door for an older lady in front of me at the store. I thought man, what a mixed message? Or was it? As if his insides didn't match his outsides as far as "I" could see. But who made me the final judge? It's going to have to be up to me here to see the best in others first and not assume the worst. I simply don't know everything. Just because I think it doesn't make it true. People are crazy sure but well, so am I. Might want to remember that one.
Step 12? Others will make room for you and in turn you will also share yourself, your space, whatever you are.. Working with others. Yes I had done sufficient self searching and surrendering. I was safe now. Worthy of friendship. For the most part unafraid. I had begun to care for myself each day and by doing so all the things life seemed to offer others? All that I was jealous of? It seemed to offer me. I had become a "part of" rather than apart from. If I was willing to become spiritually awakened each day, life would/ could become worth living. The impending doom was gone and took with it a huge chunk of self centered fear.. I was reborn to a new day, not just reliving the past like the same old skipping song on the record.. I was seemingly making memories now? Experiencing life that was safe to remember? This was certainly new. Was this what was meant by "recovered"? Maybe so I thought. But it's still just for today. If I did get cocky it was always worse. Stay humble, it's all one day at a time.
Of course I personally consider sponsorship or spiritual guidance in the 12 Steps with the new man my Step 12 message. Walking the suggested Spiritual path day by day with the new suffering man an ongoing practice of the principles. That's me personally, these are my affairs.. How I interpret the Book. How I live my day sober. I don't speak for everyone in AA or Big Book 12 Steps no. Just myself and my experience. And if I spent every waking moment there engulfed in the Book that would be great but I don't. Today I'm off to appointments and such. I'll mix with any number of folks from any number of positions. How will I act? Who will I be? I'll pray to be myself. I'll pray to no do or say anything that may harm another no matter the circumstance. I'll pray to keep my own house in order. As I walk through the day I am willing to practice the principles I have been offered in my AA 12 Steps. My specific directions for daily life living sober.
Hopefully tonight when the day is done I'll look back and be satisfied with my willingness. My Step 11 fresh and not feared. I want it in my life today. I'll sidestep the morbid reflection and face myself as I am. An alcoholic who has found a way out, a better way for myself and others. Unafraid and willing to be humble I will see where I could have done better. Humble myself before my God. Maybe spend a minute and notice my gift in my daily affairs specifically. Have I been the best I can be? Where could I have done better? Then drift. Relax and sleep through the night. This is the AA program I have been given. I have solved the drink problem today. My sober day has been a good day? My home is free of fear, a safe place to close my eyes and sleep. Tomorrow I'll share this simple piece of myself freely to anyone I meet just as I did today. Basic Step 12.
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stepsherpa