Meetings go on everyday with or without me. It's up to me to participate or not. One of my many Alcoholic problems is being irrational when it comes to alcohol especially. This critical point was smashed home one night at an AA meeting. Passed the point of return on my own I can't determine what is right or wrong anymore when it comes to alcohol, this repetitive truth was also learned in meetings.. Alcohol, It had become my master. Listening and identifying at meetings. Learning to not compare, also learned at AA Meetings. I had become hopeless, powerless over the drink. Again a reality learned at meetings. An alcohol saturated mush head. Emotionally self destructive. Heavy going of life the norm? Meetings Meetings Meetings..
While considered quite intelligent? This was no help as the problem seemed to center in my own mind. Constantly dominated by people, flogging myself for what I believed others believed about me. The sick Daddy issues, the failure, the loser. The wasted good for nothing unable to determine what is true or false. Plagued by such overwhelming guilt shame and fear I had no place. No place to be where I was safe from my own head. All I knew was self medicate my sickness, shut myself down, stop my racing head as fast as I could each day no matter the consequence. I began to pick up tidbits about myself at the meetings as others told my story.
Yup.. that alcoholic jumping off point. The alcohol shut me off for a long time but that was over now. I could no longer drink myself away. The alcohol stopped working. The only option left was death and I welcomed it. My last attempt at a total shut off left me poisoned by the alcohol over dose. Near death sure but not near enough. Unable to function or move really for 3 days only to be awakened in the early hours, alone laying in my rot disappointed at the thought of living another day. I couldn't even kill myself right. I heard others reveal their sad truths at the meetings, I was no longer alone. Others in the meeting knew misery as I did. They offered hope.
The odd thing is? I was totally unaware of people all over the world had found a way out. Sure for centuries the Church offered a life in Christ to anyone including the hopeless drunkard, the downtrodden. Salvation of the soul with a meal and safe place to sleep. Courage and strength offered daily in the Spiritual Realm. Others had responded to the whip or tough love disciplined setting? The moral leper's life of seclusion? Out of sight out of mind even, but now there was something more. A neutral zone of sorts? A safe place for the suffering alcoholic to rest and these places were seemingly everywhere. They were right under everyone in the town's noses. Anonymous. Hidden from the public eye. What did that even mean? An Anonymous meeting? Or is the meeting made up of Anonymous people.
There it was, AA. Alcoholics Anonymous. The Saturday night live group on South St. Cigarette smoke and cheap coffee filled the air. A place where members who had a desire to put the drink down and solve the drink problem were welcome with no axes to grind or people to please. And they all filed in the door to find a seat. Talk and loud laughter, some silent and shy keeping to themselves while another grabs a coffee and handful of cookies. A newly found safe place to be on a Saturday night. Relieved to finally find a place where a almost mysterious program of principles offered a psychic change to those who suffered in themselves. We're all out on a Saturday night and sober at an AA meeting we waited all week for. Happy to be sober even the most insecure can find a seat welcoming. The open speaker meeting.
I was drawn to the Big Book 12 Step meeting, it was a radically different format with the same people. A Complete Book of directions were made clear for a way out where someone like myself could live sober with purpose, no longer bound by their own personal bondage. Where we could be reborn to a whole new attitude and outlook on life. The 12 Steps offered specific directions written in masterly detail, in clear simple everyday language. We do the work? We share the results. I was also quick to understand the Big Book 12 Steps weren't the only way to recover even though they were in the text Book. They were really for the person who can make an admission of hopelessness and well? Not everyone is ready to do that no matter their Alcoholic condition or extent of their Spiritual malady. I know I wasn't. I myself needed to bottom out in sobriety before I was ready and willing to have an in depth look at myself. But that's me and I don't speak for AA or it's members. Just me and my experience. You want the Big Book Steps? Give it a shot. You'll find out quickly if it's for you or not the right time.
No matter who we are we show up and enter the meeting hall by way of the welcoming hand of AA. There's a AA meeting tonight. AA discussion meeting? Pick a topic related to AA recovery and share. A welcoming hand greets you at the door. Your discussion is valid. No one is stupid here, there are no losers in the room tonight. Your thoughts matter. To feel good about ourselves? Simple acceptance is sometimes all we need. Some fellowship offered freely at the AA meeting. Out of our minds as we arrive as we try to deal with ourselves and life on life's terms yet an hour later in the meeting, grateful for our day sober and feeling pretty good.
Willingness. It's the only way in really. A place to belong. To be accepted without judgement. Safe to step onto the Spiritual Path suggested no matter our or others Spiritual beliefs. A willingness to grow in understanding and effectiveness. A reason to live sober. To many this may seem hard to believe? After all the fear and pain of life suffering in and around the drink we are saved by simply attending AA meetings? Well, in a nutshell? In my own experience? Yeah.
The 12/12 Step meetings are great for anyone sure but especially those who still might have half a brain functioning properly. Not totally devoid of security. Here at the 12/12 Step meeting we all read and discuss then hopefully retain and apply. To those not totally fried this is a relief. They may have lots going for them yet the alcohol has become an unwelcomed force in their lives dominating careers or fragmented family. Many welcome the 12 Step meeting experience of Bill W in his later sobriety. Also those badly mangled who practice the Big Book 12 Steps are encouraged to be openminded to further development in the 12/12. Some seem to debate it, I don't.
I could go on and on about AA meetings and the power they hold for the suffering alcoholic. The endless hope. The fellowship I crave, the 12 Steps I need. The friends I've learned to make and keep. The moral fiber to repair my frayed existence. I laugh at myself sure but honestly if it weren't for meetings? I would never been introduced to a way out of my emotional prison. Never been able to rise up from the alcoholic pit of despair. Never been able to overcome my life of impending doom each day.
In AA meetings I have found all types of people suffering and all types of people living in gratitude. Some come and some stay while others go and maybe come back. The door is always open for those who suffer. Come in or stay away whatever suits you at the present time but please remember? No matter who or what you are or shape and size you may identify as in your mind? AA serves the self admitted alcoholic with a documented primary purpose. This and a welcoming hand.
There are of course many mental health issues that require Professional help to overcome. The good news is in the AA meeting the elephant may still appear to be in the room at times sure, but it isn't blocking the door.
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