It was at this point I decided to revisit ACA / CEN …

I found myself in a situation where I did not have the answer. It was incredibly stressful. I realised 2 things: 1. I did not have a strategy to resolve the problem 2. Realising I did not have a strategy, I also realised I had no control over the problem. No control to me = no safe space. No safe space = feelings of vulnerability and failure. It was at this point I decided to revisit ACA / ACoA which I had only dipped my toe into a couple of times briefly in the previous years. I am now 50 years old. I have blunted my feelings and pushed pain aside always. I thought it was the easy path. It "seemed" to work. I now find the barriers I have put up are not sufficient to contain the pain. The feelings. And at times the confusion I feel, towards myself and others. Life is short. The realisation above was the push I needed to make change. It's time to let go. Open the relief valve. Then when the pressure stablises, work on reducing the level of pain and resentment I have kept stored. Q: Why have I kept it stored so? Was I keeping it safe for some reason? Did I have some use in mind at a later date? Was it a badge of pride or honour? Was this the behaviour modelled to me? Did I even have a choice? A: I think it is this ... I think it is not my fault. I think it was due to not being given the tools to cope, compounded by society's "endorsement" of not talking about it. Be strong. Be manly. Suck it up. Don't show weakness. Think positively. Don't ask I am already busy. Don't be needy. Work it out for yourself. There are others with bigger problems than yours. You have a roof and food, what more do you want? CEN. Childhood Emotional Neglect. An alcoholic father who stopped drinking around the time I was born (I am the last of 5 children). He most likely then had to deal with his own issues. For years. Likely still is. I hope he is. Yes I still harbour resentment. And why wouldn't I? I live with the pain every day, every hour of every day. In every interaction and in every opportunity I choose to not interact. Enough for now. I feel a little better. I have released some of the pain. I released some tears typing this. I know there is more to come. I hope at some point the tears come thick and fast. It feels like there is a backlog waiting to come out. I hope I can shout and stamp my feet. And swear. And punch him. I want to punch him like a child punches an adult. I want him to know I have been hurt. Then I want him to hold me. And say sorry. With his deep, soothing voice and stale cigarette breath, I want him to hold me and hug me, like an adult hugs a child, and tell me and demonstrate to me that he loves me.