Marriage: To have and to hold accountable, through sickness and sobriety, as long as you both shall be in recovery

I AM NOT A LICENSED ANYTHING EXCEPT DRIVER AND THIS POST IS MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS, OPINIONS, AND EXPERIENCE AND IS IN NO WAY PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. JUST MY EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE I'm sure most, if not all of us, have heard: "Wait at least one year before starting a relationship." While the reasoning does make sense that we each need to focus on our own personal recovery, what about those of us who are married or in a long-term committed relationship and want to recover together? Maybe you met while in active addiction and want to keep the relationship going but have to learn to be clean/sober together now. Or, like with my husband and I, you knew each other before addiction. If so, I'm going to go out on a limb and say either both started using around the same time, or reconnected in some way after addiction took hold. Any way that it happened, it happened and I'm going to base this post on the assumption that you both are ready for recovery (I know I shouldn't assume, but you're reading this for a reason}. First and foremost I want to start by saying that both partners MUST be willing to get clean and live a life of recovery for any possibility of staying together and staying clean. I may be wrong, but I have not seen a couple yet where one is an addict in active addiction and the other is in recovery. More often, the chances of one getting high trying to get the other sober are higher. Another must is amazing communication. If you can't be open and honest with one another and hold each other accountable without it leading to an argument, I would have to suggest holding yourselves accountable or allowing people who are honest and trustworthy (like a sponsor} outside of the relationship hold you each accountable until good communication is established. Also, in any relationship, whether it's addiction-related, recovery-related, or not related to either, use I statements and do not play the blame game (instead of "You never do this and it ticks me off" I would use "I feel disregarded when I need help with this and I don't receive it".) See how the second way was much less 'attacking'? Now, since I am in no way a professional (other than a professional addict), I have no therapy background (except the 26 years I've spent in a therapist's office) and I am not licensed or certified in any mental health field (I did receive a certificate of completion in anger management, though), I will share what has worked for my husband and I. Keep in mind, our marriage is not toxic (it was most definitely highly toxic 2 years ago in active addiction to a certain opiate but the toxicity disappeared when we removed said opiate from our lives) and we have known each other our entire lives so we know each other outside of active addiction, before addiction, during use, and now in recovery. The first thing we do is put our recovery first. While in treatment in an inpatient facility, we kept each other motivated to stay put if the other wanted to leave. We didn't just agree to leave because it was our spouse, instead, we gave the other the option to leave without one another (which was NOT happening). We worked our own program with our own counselors and attended meetings together. We have the communication skills needed to hold each other accountable when the need arises and we take communication breaks if it starts to get heated (we call it "Till Later"- if things get more than room temperature warm one of us will say "Till Later" and the conversation is done for the time being and we go our separate ways to cool off). If we need to share without the other one present, we do so in our gender-based groups and meetings. We practice acceptance. If I want to go to a meeting and he isn't available to or doesn't want to attend that particular meeting, he accepts that I want to go and doesn't give me any fuss about it. If he wants to attend a billiards game in a sober setting and I cannot attend, I accept it and don't cause a stink about him having some fun. We also know that we must trust each other to do the right thing. The last piece of advice I would give to couples trying to recover together is to practice true listening. Not just hearing, but listening and you can't listen if you are talking. If your partner has doubts, fears, insecurities, resentments, accomplishments, feelings, and emotions they want to share with you, listen to them. Don't tell them what to do about it, how they should feel, how to fix it, or make it better unless they specifically ask for your input. The 5th step tells us to admit to our Higher Power, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. If you happen to be the other human being your partner shares with, just listen because if your advice or input is too harsh, it could stop them from working the steps or sharing the things that need to be shared. If we as addicts can't share, we can't get better and words that come from those we love hold more weight than the words of any other person we come in contact with. If you are like my husband and I, you are better together so you deserve to get better together. Working our own individual program, but while together, is how we have been doing it and it's how I suggest all couples in recovery do it.