my daily reflections…

i remember what utter defeat and powerlessness felt like. i didnt know at the time that it was to bring liberation and strength. at the time i only knew it made the loneliness i felt, hurt more. to live unmanageability is one thing, but to stop, rest for a min, and take an honest look at it was very fearful for me. if i hadnt been in a halfway house, with resources surroundin me, i dont know if i could have lived through the depression that poured out of the fiber of my bein. lookin at the shit i had done, the shit i had survived, the only thing i could do was reach out. i had to, i didnt know what to do next. as i sat in the rooms and listened to those around me speak, with a circumspect and suspicious eye, and as the cloud of adversity so gloomy and the procellous emotion raged within, i opened up to acceptin their suggestions. i heard them speak of the same emotions i felt within, the same kinds of fear, and the same outcomes they experienced while doin their dirt. it made me look at me, it helped me break down the walls of loneliness i had so i could let others in. my inner admissions of personal powerlessness finally turned out to be a firm bedrock upon which a happy and purposeful life could be built and later lived, as i know now. the victory of surrender i live today was one i once feared, and sometimes, after years of quality recovery behind me, still can. but with my experience, with a deep dig within, fishin out the personal problems and dealin with em honestly, i get to live with me, and with others. today nothin in the world is as important to me as my relationship with my HP, the recovery i get to live, and givin others the same opportunity for sobriety i was given. my whole life depends upon it. they are spiritual gifts that i appreciate today. as surrender still continues to grow within, my HP helps me believe in his acceptance, forgiveness, and generosity; it helps me to be willin to continue to accept me so i may see myself in a new way. when i used to think of surrender as a way of weakness, today i see it as a way of strength. today i have courage and trust myself. i get to live my spiritual experience honestly understandin it is not based on my logic. fear and insecure loneliness continue to go to the wayside as i continue to surrender. i am free to be vulnerable, and from that, i am strong. 1 day @ a time...