my daily reflections…

when i honestly look at the past i created i get scared, i dont want to see it. it arises memories and emotions that i want to forget about. they hurt me and make me want to clam up and shut down. they are intimidatin and make me feel the self-pity and shame that want to drive me deeper into my spiritual malady. i want to start to blame everybody else for the happenins of my own actions so i dont have to accept the responsibility of em. recovery has taught me that such hidin is what caused the personal problems i had before my recovery began. they only deepened and worsened, becomin even more unbearable! and as stated i only became more umbrageous, seekin somethin, anythin, that would take it all away. recovery taught me how to overcome self. it gave me an avenue toward a relationship with an HP that would provide me the strength, courage, and humility to honestly look back and see the good and the bad of past experience and knowledge. ive learned through the program that it is not the difficulties of life that i have to conquer, so much as my own selfishness. recovery taught me that the loneliness i had self-induced because of the past, caused me to keep my secrets, only to myself. i learned as i listened in the rooms, one of the secrets for findin answers to my emotional, psychological, behavioral, and spiritual problems was to talk with fellow members that i could confide in fully. this was some shit i was truly leery of. in the past when i had done this it was used against me. but with them i found perfect listeners because they had suffered and survived the same types of problems. i found them to be compassionate, empathetic, and sympathetic. they listen to me patiently while i completely described my emotions. they then shared the details about how they survived. knowin that they understood was comfortin to me. i learned that they couldnt solve my problems for me. but they could show me how they used recovery to work through the same kinds of problems. with a new understandin i found i didnt have to fear the past, the present, or the future, i could use what i knew to learn and grow from it. i know today at certain times i have no effective mental defense against the first drink unless i face the fears of the past with my HP. with the fellowship, recovery, and my HP, i can build a defense against my selfishness, my spiritual malady, and an ultimate spiritual defense against the first drink. today though i may still feel my past, i dont have to regret it any longer. i can honestly and humbly face it and use it to grow a healthy balance, emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually. 1 day @ a time...