my daily reflections…

idk if i hit the last bottom ill have when i came into the rooms this last time. i do know that it was purdy fuckin bad. it struck me hard enough to make me wanna try to practice this recovery program. when i came into the rooms i didnt know if what the program offered would work for me or if i could even do it. i do know that i was tired and had beat my own ass hard enough to stop tryina outsmart and outthink the alcoholism that had ravaged me to that point. gainin a few days of some kinda peace of mind after the initial physical symptoms calmed down, all i could do was try to stay in the halfway house i was in. with some clarity of mind, i thought of all the shit that brought me to the final act of desperation. the guilt, remorse, and shame i felt durin that first month of dry time was hell man. the obsessions were ripe for action, but i didnt want to go back to havin guns put to my head because i didnt know when to stop runnin my mouth when i was drinkin. how i escaped those times with my life barely intact, i can only say that God had a hand on me. i knew if i was gonna do this shit called recovery i was either gonna do it or i wasnt. at first all i wanted to do was stop drinkin but learned durin that 1st month that there was more i was gonna have to do, other than bein honest about the powerlessness and unmanageability that had brought me into the rooms. as i heaped on more reasons to stay in the halfway house i was in and listened to what others were sayin, the desire to want to try to persevere became more evident to me. i was gonna die by someone elses hand or my own, and to be honest, as bad as i wanted to so many times, i didnt wanna die. so diggin into the rest of the program was my only answer, i knew just gettin sober wouldnt last because of the emotions i was feelin within. i had heard it said that choice, not chance would determine my destiny; i had already burned chance out, so my choice was to try this thing we dos way. i had to grab the hand of God, thank Him for savin my ass, and determine to take the necessary steps. it was very scary; but i had chosen not to destroy my life. i didnt want to remain unhappy and stay drunk. those times were hard, i wouldnt want to go back to those early days of recovery. i do realize that i wouldnt be where i am today if i hadnt, and i am grateful today for those days, but i wouldnt want to do it again. ive learned that every situation has added to my success today. my recovery isnt a destination, it has been a journey. i dont wanna see if there is a lower bottom for me. 1 day @ a time...