my daily reflections…

durin the progression of my alcoholism, i developed the traits of ad hockery, the reliance on temporary solutions rather than on consistent, long-term plans. these idiosyncrasies, dishonesty, and lack of tolerance grew beyond me as i allowed my alcoholism to take root. as the progression of my alcoholism advanced so did my false sense of pride and ego. how could i let another really know who i was within? i mean, if they were anythin like me, and i was sure they were worse, they would use anythin i gave em against me, just as i had learned to do with others. so tellin another my faults or makin any kinda restitution for the wrongs i had done couldnt be done. i couldnt admit i was wrong, my self-pride just wouldnt allow it. it may show a crack in the armor i thought i had built. and the only time i ever prayed, after growin up in a religious family throughout my youth, was when i was hunkered down in a fox hole askin for my santa god to save me again from the consequences i created. developin and thrivin in self, why would i need God in any other respect. funny thing alcoholism drove me to. i allowed it to make me become someone that said and did things to others, and if theyd done to me what i had done to them, id let em have it. the only way for me to remain a victim of my own circumstance, of the world around me, was to lash out at others. and when they protected themselves from me, it gave me more reason to hate and hold resentment. recovery told me that honesty could save me from myself. and it couldnt be ya old dime store variety either, it had to carry in front of it the adjective, rigorous. no matter what drinkin, or my alcoholism, did to me, loss of my health, my jobs, my money, and the relationships with those who loved me most, i still stuck to it and depended on it. rigorous honesty showed me this in my inventories. the convictions i held were often times worse than the dirty deeds i had done. recovery showed me that if i wanted my life calm and unruffled, i had to be rigorously honest and forgive myself. the lies and convictions i held could no longer hold water, let alone the false sense of pride and dishonest ego i had cultivated. recovery taught me that forgiveness is a giver and resentment is a taker and because i deserve it, i had to forgive old hurts. it taught me to see forgiveness as a gift of honesty to myself. it taught me not to hide in myself; it taught me to continue to be open with myself and others. it taught me that from rigorous honesty i could heal emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually. when i look back at my early recovery, i realize that the things which came to me when i put myself in Gods hands were better than anythin i could have planned. today when i take a walk with God, He meets me at the steps with rigorous honesty. 1 day @ a time...