my daily reflections…

today i get to watch others come into the rooms as i once did, shaken, scared, with the loss of any hope. i cannot forget how i felt in those early days of sobriety. i dont know if those that come into the rooms today truly feel as i did when i came in, but if they had put themselves through anything near like i had, i have a pretty good idea. to those that recognized the fear in my eyes, the fear in my tremblin voice as i spoke, and the fear that i had nothin left to live for, i thank. it was them who made themselves available to me. they gave me love i thought didnt exist in the world anymore, or at least the world i had been livin in. as they shared their stories with me, and as they began to know my name and i theirs, the walls of loneliness i had built began to be chiseled away. as confused as i was back then, as i slowly built trust with them, even though i had no trust left in me for me, they availed themselves to me. i didnt know why then. i merely thought they were tryin to get somethin from me, whatever it was i had left. with all i had given away, i thought how much more could i have that they may want from me. today i understand why they did all the shit they did. it was for them, and me, in an unselfish effort, which struck me funny, to gain what they were tryin to give away, recovery. it didnt occur to me then that what they were doin was what they needed to do so they could stay sober themselves. i didnt know they had paid some of the same prices i had, carried similar weights, though possibly slightly different. as i let go and put my future in the hands of God, tryin hard to build a meaningful relationship with Him, i learned that those early relationships recovery was bringin me were practice for the relationship i was buildin with my HP and most importantly, with myself. i learned i was bein led in a very different way than i been livin, as i worked hard to try to rebuild my life, they were helpin me. i look back on those early days and realize i learned so much more from them than i could have ever realized then. i didnt know i was helpin them more than they were helpin me. with their lovin hearts, they were teachin me how to become entirely ready to have God remove all my resentments and help me forgive all past offenses, includin my own, so that i too could know the blessins of a lovin heart. as they placed spiritual principles before my personality, they were given the gifts recovery offered them. they showed me the humility i was to gain later in my personal program of recovery. today i try to do the same with those who come into the rooms. i dont know if i do it perfectly, but i try. i work toward the joy they showed me in givin to others freely. 1 day @ a time...