my daily reflections…

today i am open enough to let somethin infiltrate my life rather than interfere with it. as i look back upon my time in recovery, i cannot say there was an “ah ha” moment when the distinction between the two happened, but i am aware of each today. as hope grew within in my early recovery that everythin that was pressin me in the early goins was gonna be ok, i began to feel the hand of God within. what i began to learn was that my HP has always had a hand on me whether i could realize it or not. even then, and more so today, as i think about how the hand of God had always been upon me, and as i look into the days of doin my dirt, i can pick out the times He let me live through shit, good and bad, protectin me from the worst. with clarity of thought and the intuitive sense of what sanity is i get to feel, see, and understand the hope i have been gifted. how did i make it back then, starin the finality of life square in the face and walk past it like it was nothin? now that was insanity! i think of those times and realize that maybe the true hopelessness i had in those twisted days, was brought forth not in an act of courage, but in an act of puttin an end to the misery of my life, of my alcoholic life. sometimes rememberin those days runs a chill up my spine. recovery taught me a different kind of hope, a brand of hope that was good, that gave me a vision of never havin to go back to those days again. today i am grateful for Gods unconditional forgiveness even as i tested Him without even knowin it. today i get to comprehend assets and liabilities. because of those crazy ass, insane, times of doin my dirt, i have a glad, thankful, and humble heart that He was always there for me. in times alone today i dont have to live in fear, i can listen to my thoughts, consider my opinions, and strengthen my emotional health because i know He is here continuin to protect me. when before, i craved loneliness without realizin it, i can deal with it effectively usin it to strengthen my soul, my heart, and my mind; in the stillness of my life, i am healed and rejuvenated. with the belief i have today ive learned to practice the crucial wisdom of chosen response instead of instant reflex. ive learned that the instant moment of time between a stimulus and my response, is a time i get to make a choice, and hopefully it is the right choice of action. with the gained awareness of this tiny bit of time to choose the best response, i get to step from immaturity into the strength of a grown man. it doesnt have to be an interference i just have to deal with. because of the sanity of believin in a power greater than myself, i get to participate in my own life because of the solid spiritual ground upon which ive built a healthy, and balanced, relationship with God, others, and myself. enjoyin my life didnt end when i got sober, it started. 1 day @ a time...