my daily reflections…

it took me a little time into recovery to see how God had worked in my life. if i thought about all the shit i had put others and myself through i could pick out how what should have happened, didnt, and what shouldnt have, did. but sayin that God had anythin to do with it, took time. as anger began to lessen, as hate began to decrease, and as honesty and humility started to respectively take the place of each, i was able to begin to open up to ideas like God havin a hand on me. i can remember feelin like maybe, just maybe, if i sat my ass down, shut my mouth for once, and let the shit storms i had created settle a little, i would be able to decipher the problems i had and hopefully solve em with solutions that might work. surely, just takin me out of the world for a little helped, but to say it was God that made the stuff happen as it shouldve, was a process. as i listened to others share their storys of how their HPs had helped them when they became willin, i thought maybe, if i did the same, i could get what they did. openin the door a little at a time, throwin out bits and pieces to see what the results would be was crucial to beginnin to build faith and actually attributin the things that happened, to Him. instead of seein the shit that was bad and blamin God, instead of seein the shit that was good and strikin it up as luck, i had to truly assess each circumstance and properly address the reasons why. dude, lemme tell ya that was some work! i was fearfully facin the proposition that either God is everythin or else He is nothin. it meant i would lose some kind of control! control which i learned, i never, ever, really had. it was time for me to stop runnin the show. today, havin eaten many truckloads of humble pie, the faith i have and my relationship with Him is good. today, i understand, even more importantly, know, i dont run the show. i am able to affirm that i play a powerful role in Gods plan, not mine. i can see what He does, favorable to me and not so favorable, learn from it, and live with the results. i dont have to wreck my good day or good feelin with self; and i dont have to let others spoil it either. i can let God enter me through my wounds and fill me with hope. 1 day @ a time...