my daily reflections…

buildin integrity came for me when i honestly told another what i had found in my personal inventory. and i need to make this clear, it was NOT somethin i wanted to do, even more than the fear of learnin how to be honest or doin the personal inventory, tellin the shit i had found to another caused gut twistin fear. even though i had pretty much done it while doin the personal inventory by talkin to my sponsor as i did it, now came the time to look him in the eye and spill all the shit out with honesty and accountability. holdin all that shit in for as many years as i had, had me emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually ill. and i was tired of the way that gut punch felt. i had learned how honesty could affect my life. i had learned how the hope that others shared with me could lighten my heart, soul, and mind. i had learned how faith gave me an avenue toward a relationship with somethin greater than i. i had felt within how that faith gave me the courage needed to move forward with a personal inventory. but now was the time to build the integrity i had heard others talk about in the rooms. i wanted to feel the healin they spoke of and they said that this step was key to continuin the healin process i had already started. relyin on my HP, wantin the healin process to continue, the thoughts i had written down about myself had to come out. what i learned about this vital step was that if i used it to better myself, i would. if i used it to cast more shade and lies, i would stay stuck in that shade of lies. this capital i found held a worth that was useless if i didnt spend it. for years, i wanted to have the best and not shortchange myself, and i felt guilty. in sobriety, i could feel within how i deserved the better. if things were gonna get better, i had to invest in myself more and buy further into recovery by tellin the character and shortcomins i had found wisely and truthfully. it didnt have to be perfect, it just had to be done. this was the way to move forward and heal within. it was part of the process that expressed the truth about me. part of how i could discover my own truth and emotional well bein. it was another way for me to place value on my vision of psychological & behavioral health. i was on a journey makin my own discoveries, the ones that were right for me. for me to easily push this aside in favor of the foolish idea that i could water it down wasnt gonna help. today i am glad i did this part of the process. i am still healin today because of it. 1 day @ a time...