my daily reflections…

now just hold up here! whatchya tryna say here? i gotta be honest? with another person! PPPFFFTTT!!! thats not how i used to live life, i mean, unless i got somethin outta it. mannn, happiness always came with a new fishin rod n reel, a new shotgun, or a jug of my fave whiskey, and a lil reefer! entirely honest, HA! aint nobody got time foh dat shit mannn!!! aint recovery a bitchin trickster, gonna take away my happiness! how can i be happy without all that outside shit? until the shit hit the fan and splattered all over me ya know thats how my life was, im here to tell ya. but after the shit sprayed all over me and stuck, no matter how i tried to gussy it up, it started to soak into my skin, becomin who i was. out flew the lies, the mistrust, and fear, for every resentment that became attached as people began to see me for who and what i was. i started runnin out of people to use, findin myself alone, even more than i had ever felt. i know what will make it feel better, i know what will take it all away. it wasnt my fave whiskey anymore, it was what ev i could get fer 5 or 10 bucks. so there i was, new to this thing we do, had tried to start bein honest, ok. had felt the hope others had to give me, ok. had started buildin a rel with somethin greater than i, ok. looked at the piece of shit i had become and acknowledged it, ok. but now i gotta tell someone else all that shit? someone that can hold it over my head and really use it against me? well, if i wanted to continue to live, if i wanted to experience the happiness i seen oozin out of those in the rooms, i had to do it. tryna think my HPs thoughts after Him and tryina live as He wanted me to live, wasnt that enough? if i wanted what they had i had to start confrontin the inner conflict i had and try resolvin it differently than i ever had in the past. the tell of my personal inventory was a start to inner conflict resolution. instead of continuin to be confrontational with self, it was high time i confronted self. i had to leave the past behind and live in the present. it was always easy for me to live in the shame and negativity of the past, keepin my secrets. but those days were over, i didnt want to live that life anymore. with the tell of self i found i could start forgivin myself. i had to be entirely honest. the result of that early work has brought me forgiveness, gratitude, intimacy, gentleness, and honesty: they are the gifts i get to give myself and others when i live in the present. im no longer a prisoner of my own resentments. the tell, as entirely honest as i could at that time, brought me the self-forgiveness that unlocked the door to inner happiness and set me free. 1 day @ a time...