my daily reflections…

when livin with the ghosts of my past, the resentments i had formed, eventually became too much for me to handle alone, alcohol was there for me. and it worked, even better than i had expected it to. so much so, that i began usin it more and more as my life moved forward. it was just me and my whiskey, we could do this, watch! here mannn, hold my beer! and even as my life went on, the personal problems i had within didnt seem to lessen. as a matter of fact, they seemed to increase, and so, in step, my alcohol use did too, so i could combat the icky fuckin feelins within. there came a time when the alcohol or drugs i did could no longer work like they used to and i felt within that if i was to go on like i was, the shit was gonna kill me. so, here i am mannn, livin in this halfway house, with all the personal problems i had and no way to get rid of the way i felt inside. man, i will never forget it, i will never forget how that felt. cockroaches eaten me from the inside out. with the blessin of recovery came the blessins of others, the 12 steps, and sponsorship. and here at step 5, i sit in the rooms, havin done the prior steps and findin some relief from recovery from livin em as best as i could, i had all this shit still percolatin inside. i get the chance to get this all out, even more than i had by tellin lil pieces of self to others, in meetins, now with my sponsor. all of it had to go. it was time, i could no longer hold it all in, less i drink again, and i didnt want to go through that hell again. what i found was the freedom from that tell that the others had promised. it was a realization that i no longer had to live in the past. that i no longer had to hide behind joel or anything else. the tell helped me find what i had needed all my life, an honest release. out came all the thoughts of doubt, resentment, anger, and fear, in exchange for the greater treasures of hope, faith, courage, forgiveness, confidence, and love. it was a feelin of protection and safety that i couldnt get in no other way. and my poor sponsor was the one that got to hear it all. my alcoholism made me powerless, recovery put me in touch with the God-given power i didnt know existed within. i was given the will to accept life on its own terms and rejoice in it. i was told when i came in if i was plannin to stop drinkin, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurkin notion that someday i would be immune to alcohol. and after the tell to my sponsor, i felt those reservations flee. the past was over, and the present was now ubiety was my place. 1 day @ a time...