my daily reflections…

when i came into the rooms, i was tired mannn. if there was anybody that could totally whoop my ass, it was me. id rather have 5 big time wrestlers drag my ass into the squared circle and come off the top rope, than have to continue to live in the place i was before my recovery began. mentally and psychologically, livin with all the resentment, anger, and fear i had was miserable, and i kept it all to myself, without havin anything other than alcohol or drugs to relieve me of the mental torture i put myself through. it was so exhaustin. when it came time for this process in my recovery, the tell of me, as fearful as it seemed, i had to let it all go. i had heard others in the rooms talk of similar secrets they had tried to keep to themselves and their experience with it. i didnt want to feel those ruthlessly hateful feelins again or put myself through anymore of the mental and spiritual disease i had been through. this was my chance; this was my time to further the healin i had already begun. i didnt know then what the outcome would be for me personally, but i had already done enough damage. i needed to find release from my troubles and worries through a new way of lookin at myself. and i found that outlet for my negative energies within this step. i had learned in the rooms that to exist was to change, to change was to mature, to mature is to go on creatin oneself endlessly. this was my time for change! those in the rooms were teachin me that spirituality was about life, and life was always changin, that to resist change was to resist life. learnin how to forgive myself became the catalyst for overcomin my resentments, angers, and fears. the tell to my sponsor about me was a continuance of the humility i had started gainin through recovery. i seen i had to accept and learn to love the character defects and shortcomins i had so i could work toward their solutions. i didnt have to like them, but i had to respect them, and that meant learnin how to love me for who and what i was so i could become someone i had never been before. i had to use the courage learned from step 4 to change the things i could. i had to learn to stop puttin myself down, even in my secret thoughts. i had to use my liabilities as assets, my defeats as victories, and stop the tendency to fall into a sort of cynical self-hypnosis, puttin derogatory labels on practically everythin id done, said, or felt. the tell of me was how i learned to have self-respect. a whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once, and this was a start. i had to seize the opportunity to imply some mild annoyance and not postpone the opportunity sine die. id had enough. 1 day @ a time...