my daily reflections…

as my sponsor pointed out areas in my inventory where selfishness had driven the decisions i had made, i couldnt help but feel the weight of the emotional pain of self-deprecation i had always used, drop down on me. the self-imposed weapon i had used all my life to give reason to shut out the rest of the world so it or the people in it couldnt hurt me anymore. but this step wasnt about that, this step was about learnin and understandin how i used those emotions and actions to further harm me and those who loved me most. it was about acceptin and surrenderin to the ridiculous walls i built to continue to live in self-justification and rationalization. it was about lookin at them squarely, with the help of my sponsors scrutinizin eye, so i could learn forgiveness. this all was hard for me to look at, hear, and take. i had to further learn how forgiveness of others could lead me to forgiveness of self. i didnt want to hear any of it, but even more, i wanted the hurt within to leave. my sponsor helped me to understand how all of the resentment, anger, and fear kept me blocked from the forgiveness i truly deserved. under these stressful and demandin circumstances, i had to see my part in it all. seein my part enabled me to see how selfishness and ego kept me from forgiveness. it kept me from usin the true humility i had heard others speak of in the rooms. my sponsor used compassion, empathy, and understandin by expressin how he had similar emotions over things others had done and said to him. how he used his sponsor, his HP, and recovery to move forward in his recovery so he could be of service to others, to me. he told me to know that my HP had somethin better in store for me, as long as i continued makin myself ready for it. all my life i thought the world owed me a livin, that everyone existed for my employment and service, and the world was waitin for my text message. for years, i manipulated myself and other people for my own selfish ends. it was time to make myself aware of my need to forgive; it was time to feel the healin that simple act enabled. i had to stop feelin trapped in my relationship with self. i didnt have to remain locked into the behavior and thinkin of the illusion/delusion of self-codependency. i no longer had to be controlled by circumstances, my past, the expectations of others, or my unhealthy expectations for myself. forgiveness, self-forgiveness, was crucial to movin forward in my recovery. a clear vision for the present and tomorrow came only after a real look at forgiveness. 1 day @ a time...