my daily reflections…

the shift in emotional maturity i experienced was gradual. it wasnt anythin that happened instantly, or even overnight. in fact, it took months. i couldnt feel it as an over powerin sensation. maybe it was cause i was so used to fulfillin self-will, maybe it was cause i was too self-centered, maybe it was cause i was scared to let go, maybe it was cause it wasnt somethin i had never experienced before, for whatever reason, recovery, as bad as i knew i needed it, took me time. though i had learned through personal inventory the level of immaturity i had, in a physical sense, i wasnt a child. even as i had heard that the minute an alcoholic takes the first drink that answers the problems within, that alcoholic stops maturin emotionally, stayin stuck at a level of maturity until they find some sort of recovery. it is true that i had always strived for a self-determined objective. learnin that gettin what i wanted when i wanted it, how i wanted it, was a blow to my ego. i had always thought i had been such a givin person. i realized in my recovery, later in my 1st year, that the true self-actualization i had always sought could never be obtained or sustained until i had let go of all the shit that held me down. as time went by in my early recovery i could begin to feel the change others were tellin me, they were seein. i couldnt feel it within like they described it, but i did eventually see it as i started payin attention to the actions i was takin. as my behavior changed, my thinkin changed. i reckon as slow as it was, i was beginnin to become entirely willin to aim toward perfection, for the perfect objective which is of God. as i seen the effort i was makin to be someone i had never been before materializin through the slightest willingness, the emotional harm i had felt all my life started to dissipate. the nefarious feelins of anger and hate, resentment, and guilt, commenced to turn into love and forgiveness. today, that hope i felt still lives within and i get to continue to live the change from an immature boy, to an emotionally stable man. today, in an emotionally healthy way, i get to be my own hero. i aint gotta run and hide from the feelins of shame and sense of unworthiness, i get to face them head on. ive learned that time is not an enemy to be conquered, but part of the rhythm of my life. each day i try to slow down and live with surrender, tolerance of self, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. i get to give and receive. 1 day @ a time...