my daily reflections…

with certain anamnesis, i can recall the agglomeration of problems i had when i walked into the halfway house that i started this journey of recovery in. they were so self-centered; i was so full of self-pity i despaired ever solvin em all myself. i had an opportunity to change all of that though. with that opportunity, i did not know, at first, just how much work it would take on my behalf. i couldnt fathom the amount of time it would take or the deep inner personal dive i would have to undertake. but, i was willin to try because everything i had done brought me to such a lowly place physically, emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually. and i fuckin knew it, it was all me, nobody else! i mean if it wasnt, why wouldnt others who had their shit together and wanted to live a healthy way of life try to help me before i came into the rooms. i learned through my recovery that they had tried, but i merely just used and manipulated em to get along with my maladjusted self-will, leavin em the only healthy choice, to cut my ass off. feelin all those self-induced pains, livin with the feelin of impendin doom, and truly not wantin to face myself, yet bein forced to, i had to find a way to let loose all that misery. it weighed so much. havin done what i was posed to do up to the 6th step, the time was here to finally, honestly, try to give it up to my HP usin the hope and faith i had already learned to use from my prior progression in the steps. even as i would let it go, then pull it back to relive the resentments i had thought i had let go of, i had to try again, and again, and again, to give it to Him and leave it there. not half of it, not a piece of a problem, but everythin, as best as i could. again, i found myself doin what i had done in my earlier recovery, takin baby steps, givin up little pieces at a time and watchin for the results. i had to use humility to get over my inferiority complex, and take responsibility for what i had done with the help of my HP. i had to get over or through the wall i had placed between me and myself. tryin was all it took so i could gain some of my HPs grace. i learned that the barrier of fear toward change was what was causin my unhappiness. i had to shut up within and listen to what my HP was instillin within. i had to learn how to get a grip on lettin go & leave everything to God. this helped me to learn how to focus on right now. 1 day @ a time...