my daily reflections…

one of my fave readins in the big book starts on the bottom of page 60 through the middle of page 62. in this readin i find myself all over the place. my natural, normal, human desires driven unchecked, without interruption, that i justified because i thought they were good, placed others and myself in the way of harm. i never thought i was harmin anybody, i never thought i was puttin myself above or below anybody, i only truly thought i was doin as i should. obviously i took them beyond their intended purpose or i prob wouldnt be writin this. recovery taught me that i had used what was natural to me to surmount their designed ambition. i didnt know i was bein selfish or self-centered, i thought i was just bein kind, considerate, patient, generous, self-sacrificin, and modest. little did i understand or even think i may have been bein mean, egotistical, selfish, or dishonest. personal inventory and the tell of what i found to my sponsor was a true eye-opener for me. even with as honest as possible a personal inventory, i still couldnt see some of the things i needed to until i had discussed what i had found with my sponsor. thats when the real bullet hit da bone. today i need to remember those findins less i return to those old patterns of behavior and thinkin. i must use each of the steps spiritual principles so i do not return to the action or thinkin that harmed others and myself. im still human and can still have these same normal, natural, human desires come to me, enrichin and thrivin in my character defects and shortcomins. i dont want to relive the sins that help me depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for me here on earth or fall back into subconsciously relivin the faults of my past. a willingness to change must remain within so that when i sense these old habits start comin on i can break their foothold and continue movin toward someone i have never been before. as i continue my journey in recovery, and life, i want to grow in understandin of myself, God, and others, so i maintain the healin process ive started. in belligerent denial, my fears can hurt me only with my permission and indulgence in them. ive learned that pain is the measure of my resistance to change, but willingness is the compliance toward inward peace and liberation. when i take the first steps in willingness, honesty, hope, and faith, i aint gotta see the whole staircase, i just gotta be humble enough to take the first step, keepin long-term hope alive. 1 day @ a time...