my daily reflections…

i remember thinkin i could change everythin around me if i had just acted a certain way, did the things i thought would make others happy, never realizin that it was all a selfish rouse. i was much like the actor mentioned after the 12 steps in chapter 5. i was always tryin to set shit just right, just the way i would like it, never realizin that it was a game that i could never be happy in or win. i played each attitude mentioned, kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificin. and when the shit didnt go the way i wanted, i was mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. i had varied traits, even when i thought i was bein the best for all, people around me still could not see the real person within. id throw fit of anger or frustration, always tryin to do it another way, twist or tweak it this way or that. i didnt know i had no power over others, things, or places. my 4th step inventory and 5th step tell showed me all of these characters and i didnt like it. wasnt i born a child of God? wasnt i owed these things just because i was born of that? learnin i had resentments toward God, my mother, and others who were to be influential in my life, seemed to fit me ok, but through the inventory and tell, i found that these animosities were what were killin me. the power i thought i always had, turned out to be a lack of power that wouldnt get better, only weaker. learnin all of these things did however offer me freedom, freedom from the bondage of self and the self-centered thinkin that caused it. i learned that that freedom was what could give me the chance to be better. i had to stop usin what freedoms i already had in the wrong ways. by developin good habits, i could join in the work of life and be part of the human community. when that happened, i realized i did have power, a different kind of power, a power over me. all i had to do was focus my attention on others in a healthy way instead of always focusin it on me. it was time to be willin to let the juggernaut of self-will go and stop sufferin under its weight. today i am free, i am recovered, because i continue to practice and live the recovery i was taught that would make me free. 1 day @ a time...