my daily reflections…

the days before recovery began for me were filled with an evil eye of askance. i felt within that the ones who i thought i had trusted had harmed me so i wasnt able to give trust as freely as i am today. i learned through personal inventory that the reasons i had been harmed by others wasnt necessarily because of their actions, it had much to do with my expectations of them. id set em up with an expectation and they wouldnt live up to it. hell man, in damn near every case they didnt even have any idea what i had expected from them. i had victimized them and they didnt even know it. tough lessons to learn at such an early stage of recovery but they were needed to help me begin to form the healthy trust i have today. i needed to know that not everythin that happened while i was out doin my dirt was caused by another, some were caused by my own self-centered ideas, behaviors, and thoughts. i learned that these concepts i had developed had harmed me in such a manner that even trust in self had been affected negatively. if only i could take life for what it was, if only i could have accepted me for simply bein human as anybody else. my ability to accurately judge any situation or person had been damaged by my own perception so badly that trust had become somethin i couldnt have. recovery has taught me the buildin blocks to form and have a healthy concept of trust. first i had to start givin it; givin it in little pieces and watchin for the return from that hope. with trust i was able to start buildin a faithful relationship with my HP, myself, and with others. today im still trainin my mind on how peace, joy, and trust can be found in this moment with healthy mindfulness. today i see things totally different because i have a changed perception. mistrust isnt the first thing that comes to mind, though i do not try to fool myself into martyrdom. with my HP and recoverys help i believe my circumstances and those of others are as they should be today. surrender, tolerance, and acceptance of self and others wont let me set me or them up for failure unwittingly today. intelligent faith in Gods power can be counted on to help me master my emotions, help me think kindly of others, and help me build trust, no matter how difficult. 1 day @ a time...