my daily reflections…

recovery has given me a life that doesnt include loneliness. when in the past loneliness provided some kind of sick emotional peace within, i learned through good sponsorship and personal inventory that it was only a way for me to hide. it was a way for me to feed the resentment and fear that seemed to give me purpose for my life. i didnt ever want to be around people because i thought they would hurt me, when in reality, the only way they hurt me was by not givin into my self-centered wants. and so, if i couldnt get what i wanted from them, i had no use for em. to ever think to look out for anybody elses common safety or welfare was not in the cards, and if it became somethin that wasnt gonna benefit me too, i was done. i had to give some shit up when i started workin the steps, and self-induced loneliness was one that was hard to let go of. comin to the realization toward the end of my drinkin that i couldnt do it alone, that i would never be able to stop without the help of another, meant, yet again, lettin go of the loneliness, a form of unhealthy self-preservation. the ones in the rooms i became acquainted with didnt seem to suffer from the loneliness i had. it seemed as if they were willin to go beyond themselves to help me. naturally, i thought they were tryin to get somethin from me, and had i kept to doin my dirt, i may have let it go on so i could figure em out. but i learned that the only thing they wanted from me was for they, themselves, to remain sober and livin a life of recovery. how could i place some kind of sick, twisted, perversion, into that healthy behavior? as they seemed to tag team me and pull a train of recovery on me, i began to feel that what they were wantin was a true kind of fellowship. they knew if they didnt do what they were doin they wouldnt stay sober. fuck man, was i ever confused. by remainin closed to those around me meant that i stay ignorant to the spirituality of this thing we do. it was time for me to shed the unhealthy loneliness i had and become willin to be just as open as they were. i learned from them that the daily program of a lived spirituality encourages a variety of opinions and attitudes, and i needed it from each one. the inner feelins put on myself of stress, anxiety, irritability, and discontentment had to be given up. i couldnt let them remain within and grow spiritually. they taught me how to change and survive through healthy emotional self-sacrifice and unity. as i continued to uncover the shit that had kept me down with my sponsor, i began to recover. today, i get to live without loneliness. 1 day @ a time...