my daily reflections…

in the days before my recovery began identifyin fear wasnt somethin i equated with needin an ability to surrender, tolerate, or accept. i always took fears as an attack against my ego, pride, or independence. i had built unhealthy walls against fear as a form of self-preservation that i later found only hurt me more. i had become used to the idea that creatin a barrier against anythin that caused me to feel uncomfortable within was a rightful action rather than an unhealthy emotional reaction. i could not see the wrongs that this strange obsession created for problems i may face later in life. i learned through recovery that with each attempt to hide from fear only created a temporary relief that created a bigger, more encasin, wall to the reality of life. with the insanity of my alcoholism i became ready to make up crazy excuses to convince myself that i knew a drink would take it away, and went on thinkin it would help, only to learn that it always made shit worse. i would react to fear with anger, guilt, arrogance, procrastination, belligerence, closed-mindedness, or stubbornness, never facin it to deal with it the ways recovery has taught. i learned that as i focused on only the external indications of the fears presented, i would forget the internal damages that accumulated with each fear i made excuses for. recovery has given me the ability to face, deal with and work toward healthy emotional solutions so i may focus on the internal treasures, the positive qualities i have accumulated over the years of my recovery when i am willin to call on Gods supply of strength. even when i want to overcome self-centered fear and dont know how, i must remember to use patience, prayin and meditatin for the answers to come. i have learned that answers come to me when i use my HPs courage and strength, even when they dont come when i want them to. this is when i get to use other spiritual principles ive learned through recovery to overcome the self-centered will i used to rely upon. it teaches me to be responsible toward myself so i gain an understandin of the small, tiny, things that cause me to create bigger problems for others and myself. isnt this the experience that provides me the knowledge needed to gain wisdom so i may help another. today i have been granted the capacity and intelligence to identify fear for what it truly is when i am au fond, and can use that bottom to dig toward healthy solutions rather than create deeper holes. 1 day @ a time...