my daily reflections…

it took a lot of self-induced punishment for me to finally break down and admit that i was powerless over alcohol, even more so, the alcoholism i had developed. i can recall bein angry all the time, frustrated over the life i was livin, and the self-pity i had, became ever loomin. i felt trapped like i had nothin to look forward to. like every day was just another day to try to live. i look back at those times today and remember the depression i had manufactured. recovery taught me that everythin i was feelin back then was produced by my selfishness and self-centeredness. nobody owed me anythin, not my mother, not society, not even God. i learned that if i wanted to feel the freedom others were feelin in the rooms when i came in, i had to make shit happen, make shit happen that didnt include a feelin of, “you owe me bitch, pay up”. i had to change my whole outlook on life and that meant changin my attitude. the “sad sack” role didnt fill the bill mannn. self-pity had failed me and brought me deeper into my alcoholism; all i had left to do to get rid of those feelins was to drink, and drinkin somehow, ehem, magically, always made shit worse in the end. i had to move out from myself toward others and toward God. this was where humility began to teach me how to live without guilt and remorse. i had to become motivated toward inward growth instead of inward self-destruction. as the relationship i started with my HP began to grow, i could see and feel within a joy and confidence, and it seemed to come with unlimited potential for facin any difficulties. i learned that my alcoholism, depression, and insecurity could all be overcome if i was prepared to make the necessary changes in my life, i had to get motivated to improve my life. i could sense within as i grew that spirituality was the ability to get my mind off myself and start livin life with others involved. it was how i could grow the newfound spirituality too, not alone, trapped in self. that feelin of uselessness and self-pity did disappear. i lost interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows. as humility grew, self-seekin slipped away. and would ya believe my whole attitude and outlook upon life changed as i became free from self. 1 day @ a time...