my daily reflections…

i remember the fear i had when makin my approach toward writin my amends out. i had learned much about myself and thought i was ready, humble enough, less self-centered enough, had let go of ego enough, to make the amends to those i had harmed. ya’ll know about anxiety? ya’ll know about how thinkin bout shit over and over and over again ALWAYS makes it better? i reckon writin em out wasnt really all that bad. talkin em over with my sponsor on how i would word em and say them with tact without soundin accusatory seemed to go ok too. but as i thought about em, as times came to make em, all the feelins of rejection, low self-esteem, not sayin em right like my sponsor and i had talked about, low self-confidence, forgettin my HP would be alongside me, ya know, the shit that ya think about when ya walkin up to someone fixin to lay all your shit out there for the world to see, the knot in the pit of your belly that makes ya just wanna throw the fuck up, ya know, those feelins ya feel? idk, maybe ya dont, but lemme tell ya, i sure felt every fuckin one of those fears. all the years of thinkin bout how i had been a shitty bastard to people. how i had to tell another, and not my sponsor, how i had fucked up and askin what the person i was approachin would like me to do to make things right, those things, man aint nobody can whoop me better than i can whoop myself. those are the thoughts that i felt, those are the thoughts i can still feel when im not behavin or thinkin with the solid, time tested and already proven so i aint gotta prove em, solutions recovery has taught me. i reckon those are the harms i must work on before i go out and make an amends so i aint gotta let em get in the way of makin an amends that is meaningful and has weight, depth, and integrity. so i may live in the sunshine of Gods spirit and that my mind and soul may be energized by it. ive learned through recovery that self-importance helps no one. ive learned that what is important is workin hard to stay sober by takin care of myself. writin this shit out was the first part of it all so i could quietly set a good example of how recovery was workin in my life. this was one of those changes within that has made me who i am today. i aint gotta be a coward, i aint gotta hide behind a bottle, i can be who i am and be unapologetic for it. i can show how reliance on God and the spiritual principles of recovery enable me to match calamity with serenity. 1 day @ a time...